Anywhere But Here
by EvilGeniusBookWorm13
Summary: Kendall is sent to a home, also known as an insane asylum for teens, in hopes of him getting better. There he meets Carlos and the two soon become best friends. But when he sees James, will sparks fly? Kames and Cargan SLASH! Rated M for swears and smut.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**** This has been stuck in my head for ages. Like, seriously. It's an AU (Hahahaha! First one!) Fifth story to juggle, I know. But, once I finish the other four, many more stories will be popping up! I have 40 notes on my iPod. All of them are story ideas. Mmmhmmm. Exactly. Well, I have seen one of two of these types of Fanfics out there about the boys meeting in an asylum of sorts, and I wanted to try my hand at it! It's kinda like the usual, but I'm going to add as much pizzazz as I can to it. Like things you wouldn't expect or whatever. *Sigh* I hate coming out with stories that are so similar to other ones! That's why I'll be coming out with a Cargan chapter story *cue squeal!*. I hope this is ok!**

Chapter One:

How could this happen to me?

I was the perfect kid. Perfect home life. Perfect school life. Perfect everything!

Well, that's what everyone thought.

None of it was true.

I guess my true colors showed one day and now I had to face the consequences.

Being sent _here_. And _here_ is a "Home." That really means a place for kids who are hopeless causes.

A teenage insane asylum, if you will.

You're probably wondering why I was sent here.

I don't feel like telling you. I mean, what do you care? Damn psychiatrist is making me, though. Thinks it will "Help me get my feelings out."

Well, I like my feelings inside me and hidden, thank you very much.

I guess I should get started on telling you why I'm here.

I wasn't the perfect kid. Hell, I was the farthest thing from it probably. No, well, that wasn't that true. I was a good kid. Nowhere near perfect…but good. That's a good thing, right? Right. I helped my mom out with the money by getting a job that paid pretty well. I helped raise Katie. I helped clean the house and take care of it. I helped out a lot.

You're probably wondering where my Dad comes in.

He doesn't.

He's gone. Forever.

He got himself killed one night. He was drunk, driving, it was raining, and he hit another car. Killing him and that other person. Who happened to be my best friend's Dad.

Andrew, my supposed best friend, avoided me from that day on.

It was my Dad's fault, you fucking bastard. Not mine.

And yet people still seemed to blame me. Well, at my school at least.

I hate my Dad. With the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

He ruined my life.

School suddenly became a torture hell. No one communicated with me. No one looked at me without disgust, hate, sadness, pity; any bad emotion! Not even the teachers could act normal around me. They were all awkward and acting like I was the fucking Grim Reaper.

Bastards.

So, there went my school life. Taken from my grip, ripped to shreds, stomped on and burned, before finally getting flushed down the toilet.

I hated them all.

My home life was down the drain. I was the new Dad of the family. I was forced to grow up too fast. Too much pressure was put on my shoulders. It was a matter of time before I broke.

I had started slowly going insane, I guess. Voices in my head telling me I was fucked up. A hopeless cause. Someone who would die alone and in hate.

Someone I didn't want to be.

It caused me to get into many fights at school. For my grades to drop. For me to get into fights with my own family.

I reached the breaking point by almost killing one kid.

That kid was Andrew.

I had almost killed him.

Apparently I had major anger problems and I was crazy.

Who knew?

My mom grew tired of me being who I was. She saw my changes. She saw the person I had become.

And she sent me _here_. A fucking teenage insane asylum!

I wasn't insane!

So what if I had voices in my head?

Everybody does!

Right?

Oh God, I hope so.

And I'm not talking about the lousy thing they call a conscious. No, I'm talking about real ass voices that tell you what to do and what not to do and insult you all the fucking time.

I don't like them.

But I don't like it when they're not there.

Because then I feel all alone. Alone, angry, no guidance, and, worst of all, numb.

I hate numbness.

I prefer self-hate.

That's what the voices make me feel.

I like it.

I am fucked up.

I sat down in one of the comfy chairs in the calming office of this place. It was like a boarding school…for psychos. I mean, I had to do real school in this place. And make friends. _Great_…

I heard the door behind my chair open and in came in two people, this skinny adult wearing a suit and had a balding head. Behind him is what interested me.

A hyper Latino boy.

What the fuck was he in here for?

He was fucking smiling.

Who would _smile_ in _this_ place?

Apparently he would.

The wiry creep sat in the big chair on the other side of the desk and folded his hands on the oak wood.

Weirdo.

The Latino, though, sat down in the chair beside me and waved.

I nodded my head in acknowledgement before turning to the weirdo.

He cleared his throat. "Mr. Knight, Mr. Garcia." He nodded his head to each of us. "You are both here because you need some help."

_You need help? Yeah. He also needs help. Lots of it. Do you see his face?_

I immediately cracked a smile. My voices could sometimes be really funny. In all the wrong situations.

The wiry weirdo scowled at me. "What's so funny, Mr. Knight?"

I smiled and shook my head. "Nothing."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, Mr. Knight, Mr. Garcia is here to escort you around. Become your friend. He's been here for a while."

The Latino rolled his eyes before looking at me and smirking.

Weirdo.

Why was this place full of weirdos?

"Now, you two are dismissed. Mr. Knight, you will get the hang of how it works here soon. But for now, go along with Mr. Garcia."

I nodded and walked out.

That dark skinned boy quickly stopped me.

"Hey. Where do you think you're going?"

"Anywhere but here."

He rolled his eyes. "You can't. Trust me, many people have tried. They just put you in the solitary confinement for a week before making sure you won't run again."

"Solitary confinement?"

"Like, there are three levels in this place. We're level ones. The easiest to fix. The ones with a little more freedom. Then there is level two's. Like see that kid?" He pointed to a Goth kid down the hall. "He's a level two." He dragged me to a window. "And see that building?"

I nodded.

"Those are where level threes go."

It looked like a prison.

I swallowed roughly. "Wow."

"Now, I'm Carlos. Sixteen and partially insane. A knack for danger. Horrible ADHD and, well, people don't really know what's wrong with me. I was just so hard to contain and nowhere near normal that I was sent here."

I smiled. "Kendall. Sixteen. Voices in my head. Horrible anger management. A knack for trouble. Some people say I'm schizophrenic, but I don't think so. They're just voices, you know?"

He laughed. "No. I don't know. I don't have any except my conscious. But he's a pain in the ass."

We had started walking towards an elevator. I laughed as he jabbed the button to go up. "Mine disappeared long ago." The doors opened and we stepped in. "Where are we going?"

"Our dorm. Luckily, I sweet talked the coordinator into letting you dorm with me instead of some other weirdo."

I nodded. "Thanks."

He smiled. "No problem. Your bags are already here. And, I hope you don't mind, but I already unpacked for you. I didn't look at anything too closely, though!"

I grinned as I stepped into the room. "No, it's fine. Thanks." I walked over to what I assumed was my side. I was by the window. I turned. "You didn't want the window view?"

He shook his head. "I can't stand the noises that come from outside at night when I'm right by the window."

I nodded and looked out. It was a nice view. A nice view of the Pacific Ocean. It was one of the things I loved about California. The ocean views.

I turned to the closet on my side. All my clothes were nicely hung on hangers and were color coordinated.

The night stand by my plaid bed already had my alarm and book atop of it.

I turned back to Carlos, who was sitting on his bed, playing with his phone. "You OCD?"

He looked up before blushing. "A little. Just…a bit of a neat freak. Nothing too bad."

I laughed. "You're awesome. Thanks."

He grinned up at me. "Any time."

Then the bell rang.

I looked at him questioningly.

"We got out of classes for today. But it's lunch time. Want to go have some?"

I nodded and followed him out of our room.

So maybe this place wouldn't be so bad.

_Think again…_

As we entered the lunch room, I looked around. The cafeteria counter where you get your food was on the wall to my right. A line was already beginning to form as Carlos and I stepped in. To the left were dark, round tables and benches underneath them. They were spread throughout the cafeteria evenly. The walls were a nice beige color and the tiles underneath my feet were neutral colored.

Then I looked at the line.

Kids ranging from emo, to Goth, to normal, to nerdy, to just plain preppy were standing in line. Most of the nerdy and preppy kids were talking to one another while the darker kids kept to themselves or others like them.

I looked down at what I was wearing.

A blue long sleeved shirt and dark blue skinny jeans with my vans.

Normal clothes.

Carlos had on a dark red collared shirt and jeans and converse.

Pretty normal.

Then I looked at the tables.

There was a normal looking group.

Who were waving to Carlos.

Oh good. I was worried I was going to have to be friends with psychos.

They looked normal, anyway.

Once we had gotten our food, Carlos led me to the table where a few kids sat.

"Kendall, this is Dak." A dark haired boy, a nice smile, leather jacket, t-shirt, and skinny jeans. "Camille." A girl with curly brown hair, a big smile, a mini skirt and t-shirt. "Jo." Pretty girl with blonde hair, a small smile, and a sundress. "And Jett." Short dark hair, a wide smile, mischievous eyes, and good looks. Carlos pointed at Dak. "Dak is bipolar. His moods are highly unpredictable and are severely extreme." Dak shrugged his shoulders at me. "Camille has a personality disorder." Camille was talking, I mean flirting, with Dak at the moment. "And Jo is clinically depressed. But she also has major outbursts." Jo was talking to Jett. "And Jett is narcissistic."

A bunch of crazies disguised as normals.

Camille turned to me. "You know our problems. What's yours?"

I looked down. Carlos answered for me. "He hears voices and has major anger management issues."

Jett raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

I nodded.

He only smirked. "Not too bad. Welcome to the group, Kendork."

"It's Kendall."

"Too bad. I'm calling you Kendork."

Calm down, Kendall. He's not worth your fist in his face.

I felt Carlos' hand on my shoulder. "Ignore him. He's an ass."

I smiled a bit before finishing my food. We all got up and threw our food away. Soon enough we were heading towards the outside fields.

"Why are we going out here?"

Carlos turned towards me. "Morning is our classes. After lunch, from 1:30 to 3:30 is time to hang out. Either outside or in. Preferably outside. And at 3:30 we go back in for some study hall until 5:30. And at 6 is dinner time. 7:30 we're allowed to do whatever. We need to be in our rooms by 10. Lights out at 11."

"Wow."

"That's our schedule." Carlos shrugged. "We're under constant surveillance by cameras-" he pointed to a black thing on the side of the building. "-but no cameras are in the dorms or bathrooms. Level ones, like us, are allowed to roam free throughout the place without a buddy. Level twos need to be with someone at all times."

"Why?"

"Well, without somebody there to watch them, who knows what they can do? Level twos consist of cutters, burners, anorexics, bulimics, and druggies. They're the screw ups. We're the easies."

"We have group names here?"

He laughed. "Yeah."

We ended up sitting by a tree. I looked at him. "Who are the important people?"

He sighed. "Well, there's those three." He pointed to three girls. "They're the Jennifer's. All named Jennifer and all are bitches. All were anorexic. Avoid them at all costs."

I nodded. He pointed to a hippy looking group. "Those are the druggies and hippies. Avoid them unless you want to get addicted to a substance. Their 'leader' is Thomas. He likes to be called Guitar Dude, though."

More weirdos…great.

And lastly, he pointed to two kids hanging out in the shade. "Logan and James. The rulers of the school. Both level twos and both have anger management issues. Logan's a druggy, addicted to heroin. James is a cutter and sometimes a burner."

No wonder he was wearing such dark clothing that covered every inch of his skin except for his hands and face.

And God, he was hot.

Dark skinny jeans, combat boots, dark long sleeve shirt, aviator sunglasses, a scowl firmly planted on his face.

I was gay. I had already known for a long time.

But…wow.

He was hot.

Carlos was still talking. "They've been here a while."

I looked over at him. "Why?"

"They're each other's 'buddy'. Logan still does drugs, James still cuts. Plain and simple."

"No one's tried to stop them?"

"Try to and they'll make your life a living hell. Trust me, a kid named Tyler tried."

"Where's he now?"

Carlos sighed and looked at the prison building. "Level Three."

I swallowed harshly.

He was so hot.

And…he looked…just broken.

Alone.

Even if he did have Logan as a friend.

"I'm going to help him. Not now, not until I get to know the ways of this place, but I'm going to help him."

I had made my decision. There was no stopping me now.

Carlos rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right."

I looked at him. "I am."

He sighed. "I used to want to help Logan…but it doesn't work. They don't want help."

"They do. Deep down."

He threw his head back and laughed. "You like James, don't you?"

I blushed and looked away.

"I know. A lot of people crush on his looks. His personality isn't so great, though."

I nodded.

"Logan, though, has a good personality once you break through his walls like James did."

"You like him?"

He nodded. "A little."

I smirked. "Well, I don't know about you, but I plan on getting to know this James kid."

"You're setting yourself up for-"

"Don't say failure." I growled out, shutting my eyes tight.

_But you are a failure, Kendall. Look what's happened to you. You're in an insane asylum. You're going to turn out like your father…_

I was gripping my hair tightly in my fists.

I hate those voices.

But I love them.

God…I hate everything.

When I finally calmed down enough to open my eyes, I saw Carlos staring at me.

"You ok? You just started spazzing out and mumbling."

I nodded.

"The voices."

Another nod.

He frowned. "It'll get better."

I just shook my head and looked away.

I heard him swallow harshly. "So…do you like it here so far?"

I laughed. "Sure."

**A/N:**** I couldn't help myself! *Goes into corner* I really wanted to make this! Ahh! I really love this so far and I think it's my favorite story and AHH! The reformatory school or whatever is based off of the one in the book Fallen. But that's it. I hope this is ok! Please, REVIEW!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** ** Wow…20 reviews? And it's been posted two days? And it's only the first freaking chapter?**

**I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU GUYS!**

**No story of mine has ever gotten that much attention in the first day it's been posted. And, this is by far my favorite, because deep down, we all know the boys are a little insane. ;) Just a wee bit. :D And, since this is the story I have the most inspiration for, I feel like I need to get Chapter two out before I lose it, you know? Anyways, thank you so much for the reviews. You guys make me feel like I'm on top of the world! If I ruled the world, I would throw all my money in the air like confetti! If I ruled the world~! Ok, sorry for total BTR moment. Had to break into song! XD I'll stop rambling so you can read!**

**Oh, and I got a measly flame, which didn't bother me at all because, seriously, it was as ridiculous as a dog wearing a wiener costume in August. Which is re-donk-u-louse.**

**Umm…this isn't too realistic of a school, I know, but it's a story on fanfiction for a reason.**

Chapter Two:

The damn alarm clock awoke me the next morning at 6. I was feeling…I don't know.

Empty?

The voices weren't there to wake me up.

They didn't even haunt my dreams!

Why not?

It made me feel alone.

_'You are alone, you worthless piece of shit.'_

Ahh…there they are.

I heard Carlos yawn in the bed across the room. "Is it morning already?"

I nodded.

He smiled. Great, I got stuck with a morning person. "Well, good thing we have most of the same classes together."

"Most?"

He looked down. "We have the same core classes. History, English, Math, and Science. Our extra classes, which we call exploratories here, are a little different. We both have PE, but I have Spanish and you have French because that's what you were already learning."

I nodded again.

I couldn't be with Carlos the whole day.

It would be too much.

"And, since we only have classes in the morning, our days switch off and on like what you learn. The 'colors' here are green and blue. So you have your green and blue days. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are green days. Tuesdays and Thursdays and Sundays are blue days. We have Saturdays off."

My eyebrows rose. Wow, technical place. "What's today?"

He laughed a little. "It's Tuesday."

I stared at him in shock. It was already Tuesday?

Instead of continuing the conversation, I got out of bed and tugged on some clothes. Just some dark skinny jeans, my vans, and a flannel shirt.

I love my flannel.

It makes me feel calm.

And the voices don't talk to me too much when I wear it.

I looked back up at Carlos. "What time does class start?" It was 6:30 in the morning.

"7:30. I already got you two binders ready because, well, most kids don't come prepared." I blushed. "This one's for blue days-" It was blue. "-and that one's for green days." He pointed at a binder sitting on top my desk. It was green.

I smiled. "Thanks."

He shook his head. "No problem. The binders have a folder and notebook for each class you take on that day. Blue days you take Math, Science, and French. We have Math and Science first, then French right before lunch."

I nodded. My stomach then decided to join the conversation by growling.

"Come on. It's 6:45. Breakfast starts being served at 6:30 and stops at 7:15."

I saw him grab his binder before walking out the door. I quickly grabbed my blue binder and followed him into the dormitory hallway.

The layout of this place was quite simple. A dormitory building where there was one hallway for boys and one for the girls. Girls were on the floor above us, and boys were on the bottom level. Then there was a cafeteria building where you got your food and ate. There was the classroom building, where you went to classes and to the library on the top level for study hall. Then there was a recreational building with a pool and gym. For PE and to entertain us, I guess. Then, lastly, the level three building. Way off to the side.

Where all the real crazies go.

I was not going to go there.

This was good enough for me.

I followed Carlos to the Cafeteria, quickly getting our breakfast before sitting at our usual table by the window with a view.

Hell, all the windows at this place had a fantastic view.

Whether it was of ocean or forest, it was beautiful.

"You have a laptop, right?"

I nodded. "It's in the dorm."

"Good. You'll need one. It's good entertainment and it's amazing to do homework on. They're actually really lenient here when it comes to electronics. Just, there are no curling irons or straightening irons or really anything that's considered dangerous. The librarian is the hair cutter of the school. She's actually really nice."

I like it here.

It was like a reformatory school.

It made me feel…not crazy.

It's a nice feeling after so many people mock you for your insanity.

The rest of the group sat down at the table and quickly took up a conversation.

After having a pretty decent breakfast, Carlos and I made our way towards the Class building where we would go to Math.

What fun.

Not.

The class started at 7:30 and went till 8:55.

Not my idea of fun.

But the Science class was a little more interesting.

I mean, playing with chemicals from 9 to 10:25?

Pretty fun.

But, French from 10:30 to 11:55?

One word.

_Ugh!_

I mean, I like speaking English, thank you very much!

As soon as I walked in, there he was.

Sitting in the back row.

Being here.

In French.

The stupid teacher pulled me aside as soon as class started.

"Class, this is a new student, Kendall Knight."

Everyone nodded and went about their own business.

Thank God! No smart remarks or anything.

I quickly made my way to the middle row, where Dak and Camille were seated.

Thankfully, sitting next to Camille, the class flew by.

And, damn, was I hungry!

I slowly got up to leave when I bumped into something.

It sent me flying to the ground.

I looked up and saw…

James?

He was sitting on the floor a few feet away, his sunglasses were knocked off.

Wow.

His hazel eyes…so beautiful, but so broken. An emerald green with a caramel explosion in the middle. But with dark brown cracks all centered on the pupil.

James scowled at me as he shoved his aviators back on.

"Watch where you're going, newbie." He stormed out and left me hanging.

I stood and dusted myself off.

Could one person really be that broken?

Apparently.

I made my way to lunch, where I met up with Carlos in the line.

"Hey, Kendall! How was French?"

I looked down. "It was ok."

"Why just...ok?"

"Well, it was pretty good until the end. I had...bumped into James and we ended up sitting on our asses on the ground." Carlos' eyebrows flew up. "And...he was just pissed."

I decided to leave that eye thing out.

No need to tell him that.

He just nodded. "Put a damper on your day?"

"A little."

"Well, we have lunch until 1:25. Then, during study hall, we can do our homework. Before dinner, we can put our binders back or whatever and then get dinner. At 7:30, though, you have one on one therapy. Yours is every Tuesday. Mines every Wednesday."

We got our food and sat down at our usual table. "Therapy?"

"Well, duh! How do you think we're going to get better? Magically?" Carlos laughed. "And on Saturdays, we have group therapy. Everyone does, for two hours usually. Ours is 1:30 to 3:30. There's a bunch of different groups that go at different times."

I just nodded again.

_'See, Kendall? You're so fucked up, you need therapy. Therapy is for kids who are so far gone and weak; they can't even solve their own problems.'_

"No...Stop..."

_'That's what you are, Kendall. A weakling. A failure. No one likes you, Kenny. They only pity you.'_

"No! They like me! They don't pity me!"

_'You're going to turn out just like your father, Kendall. A low life bastard who went off the deep end.'_

**"STOP!"**

My eyes were squeezed tight and I was gripping my head. I had to make sure it wouldn't split open. Sometimes the voices made me feel as though they would make my head explode.

I hate them.

But I love them.

Everyone at the table is staring at me.

Practically the whole cafeteria is staring at me.

Did I really scream that loud?

I looked down, a blush now blooming on my features.

Everyone, except for the people at my table, turned back to what they were previously doing.

Jett was the first to speak. "What was that, Kendork."

I wanted to punch this kid. To teach him a lesson.

But, instead of talking, the least expected person looked up.

Jo spoke. "Was it the voices?"

I could only nod.

She nodded and looked back down at her food.

She was quiet and sweet and pretty. Blonde with big brown eyes and a small smile.

Not my type...but someone who would be easy to fall in love with.

I could see Jett trying...but his love for himself was getting in the way.

My type, though, consisted of tall brunettes who were quiet, broken, and gorgeous. Typical bad boy with dark vibrant hazel eyes and a scowl.

Now, that's my type.

Too soon for my liking, lunch was over and we had time to go "Hang out."

I quickly followed Carlos to the pool, where we watched some people swim while talking about nothing.

Time, fortunately, flew pretty fast and we were off to study hall.

Now, we could have study hall anywhere. In the classrooms, in the fields, in the dorms, or in the library.

My new group did it at the library.

So did James.

I shook my head and followed them in. It was a nice library, kind of old fashioned with the tall book cases but still modern. We ended up splitting up and going in different directions.

Carlos brought me into a random book isle and sat down.

I chose to sit in the corner, leaning against the wall.

We were working on our Math homework when a shadow came over my paper.

I looked up to see James. Wearing his sunglasses.

He bit his lip and pointed to a book above my head.

I nodded and took it off the shelf, handing it to him.

He smiled a little before walking off.

Carlos looked at me with wide eyes.

"What?"

"He...he smiled!"

I nodded.

"He never smiles!"

My eyes widened a little bit, too.

So he didn't hate me!

Carlos smiled. "What book did you pull off the shelf?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I think it was Harry Potter."

Carlos looked to be in awe. "Wow. The James Diamond reading Harry Potter."

"Or using it as a fly swatter." I joked.

His reply was a punch to my arm.

"His last name's Diamond?"

Carlos nodded.

Diamond. I liked the sound of that.

Before I really knew it, we were off to the dorms.

I was off to therapy.

Great.

Well, nothing really happened. We just talked about my past.

So fun.

Not.

I was happy when 8:30 came around.

I needed a shower.

I got my pajamas and toiletries together before heading off to the boys' bathroom.

After showering and heading back to my dorm, I collapsed onto my bed.

Carlos looked at me and laughed. "Rough first day?"

I only groaned. "How long am I going to be here?"

"Until you get better."

I groaned again. "And are the level ones and twos mixed with everything?"

Carlos nodded. "Yep. We don't really interact too much, though."

I nodded and looked at the clock. 9:30.

That's when I remembered.

I had a phone.

I quickly ran to my desk and searched through the bag on top of it and pulled out my phone and charger.

I can't believe they let people here have phones.

I plugged it in since it was almost dead and checked the messages.

One from my mom asking how it is.

I just sent a reply saying I was going to bed and that second day was fun.

She can be weird. Sending me here and yelling then turning around asking how it is.

Moms are weird.

I turned towards Carlos. "I'm off to Dream Land. Don't wake me up unless it's an emergency."

He smirked and nodded.

I collapsed onto my bed again and pulled the covers up, letting the darkness of sleep over come me at 9:53.

Oh sleep; please take me far, far away.

Because…what a long day.

**A/N:**** Well, there you go! Chapter two! Oh, I keep forgetting. This story was inspired by the song Anywhere but Here by Mayday Parade. You can actually find a line from the lyrics in each chapter. Anyways, sorry for any typos; I wrote this on my iPod. I checked it over but, well, you never know if you miss something. Well, I have to thank all of you, because, seriously? YOU GAVE ME 20 REVIEWS! That's the most reviews I have ever gotten on one thing. And it was only posted for what? Two days? I love you all from the bottom of my heart. And, truth be told, this is my all-time favorite story. (I think.) It's up there with ****What's Wrong With Me****. So, I thank you all, and graciously ask... REVIEW?**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: ****Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! I never knew that so many people would read this! XD I feel so special! Well, it's pouring rain here and so that equals a happy me! I went outside for a second (like seriously! A MEASLY SECOND!) and came back in soaked… But, anyways! I got so many nice reviews and some people wanted the Cargan to start, so here it is! This chapter has Cargan confrontation and action-y and angry Kames. There's a switch of tense between Carlos and Kendall. You'll get James' POV and Logan's probably in the next chapter or the fifth. So, here it is!**

Chapter Three:

Kendall POV:

I woke up to my alarm clock ringing obnoxiously.

I hate that thing.

I think it's worse than the voices.

But I can't wake up to a song from the radio.

I just can't.

So I have to use this damn thing.

I slammed the top of my alarm clock and it stopped.

Thank God.

I threw the covers off of me and dragged myself out of bed and over to Carlos'.

He was still asleep.

How could he still be asleep from that thing?

Anyways, I poked his rib cage, which earned me a squeal. He practically flew out of bed and landed on his butt.

I couldn't stop laughing.

"Shut up!" Carlos exclaimed, punching my arm.

I continued to laugh. I hadn't laughed like this in a while.

He noticed I wouldn't stop and he started laughing along with me.

He was laughing with me.

_With_ me.

It's been so long since someone's done that.

Then someone slammed the door open.

And in walked Dak. His dorm was next to ours and he shared with Jett.

I felt sorry for him.

"What's your guys' problem?"

I stood, still laughing, and pointed at Carlos. "Poked him….flew out of bed…so funny…"

Dak just shook his head and smiled. "Get dressed, you fools. Camille sent me a text saying that there are apple turn overs at the cafeteria. If you take too long, you won't get any. And they're _really_ good here."

I heard my phone buzz and I looked to see that text from Camille.

I immediately shot over to my dresser, throwing on a pair of jeans and a colored shirt and shoes before grabbing my binder and standing by Dak's side.

Carlos was still getting off the floor.

Dak rolled his eyes. "Catch up with us later, ok Carlos?"

Carlos nodded. "Yeah. Save me a turn over?"

I laughed. "Sure."

I like it here.

I fit in nicely.

_No fucking dur, you idiot. They're all insane like you._

I just shut my eyes tight and shook my head. Dak sent me a concerned look before taking me towards the cafeteria.

"Those voices talk to you a lot?"

I nodded. "You get used to it."

"Do they…what do they do?"

I looked down. This was a touchy subject. "They…they insult you and tell you things. And they tell you what to do sometimes."

He nodded. He seemed to get really depressed after that comment.

Probably because of his bipolar-ness.

But as soon as he saw Camille, his eyes brightened and a smile took over his face.

Ahh, true love.

_Which you'll never get._

Shut up, Voices. You're totally one to talk.

It didn't respond.

Good.

I've gotten used to talking back.

It sometimes shuts them up.

Other times they torture me.

I saw Camille and Dak sit next to each other as I grabbed two apple turnovers, one for me and one for Carlos, as promised. They looked really cute together.

I saw Jo come in and I talked with her a little.

Carlos POV:

Kendall and Dak had just left.

Kendall was such a good kid.

I get why he was sent here…I just…he's too good for this place.

I quickly got dressed in shorts and a t-shirt and shoes before grabbing my binder and walking out.

To run into something.

I ended up falling on this thing.

It was soft but firm. Warm, too.

I looked up and saw a face.

The face that continued to make my heart race.

Logan's face.

I swallowed roughly as I looked at him. "Uh…I'm so sorry."

He smiled a crooked smile that made me blush. "It's ok. Just…can you get off me?"

"Oh! Yeah…" I rolled off him and stood, holding out a hand to help him up.

He took it and stood. "You're Carlos, right?"

I nodded. "Logan."

He smirked. "Yeah."

I scratched my neck. "You heading to breakfast?"

He nodded. "Walk with me?"

I smiled and nodded, both of us walking towards the smell of mouthwatering food.

I looked at him. "You're really good at math, right?"

He nodded. "Why?"

I looked down and bit my lip. "I'm having trouble…I don't understand like any of it and the teacher-"

"You want me to tutor you?"

I nodded sheepishly.

He was a good kid, too. Just…looked for comfort in the wrong thing.

"Meet me in the library at study hall. I'll help you."

I looked up at him. "Thanks."

He smiled and walked off as I stood in line.

Why did he hang out with a guy like James when he was so nice?

Still so good?

I could even see the innocence still there.

And…he even talked to me.

He's actually going to tutor me.

Kendall's POV:

Carlos sat down beside me.

I gave him a turnover and asked, "So…getting all friendly with Logan, I see?"

He blushed. "I…I need a tutor for math." I raised my eyebrows. "What? He's the smartest one here!" Well, I didn't see that coming. "He was really nice, too."

I nodded. "One step closer to being his boyfriend!"

"Shut up!" His voice must've shot up three octaves.

"Come on, let's get to class."

He nodded and stood up.

English and History flew by, luckily, but at PE, we were forced to swim laps in the pool.

Not fun.

But after lunch, Carlos forced me out quickly, bouncing up and down.

I followed Carlos to the field, where some people were gathering.

"You know how to play soccer?" he asked, smiling.

"Yeah. Used to play it when it wasn't hockey season."

Carlos laughed. "Good. You're on my team."

And before I knew it, I was being dragged out onto the field.

There were two goals, one on each side, and the teams were already devised; I included. On my team were some people I didn't know and Carlos and I. On the other team were more people I didn't know and James.

I was stuck on left offense.

He was on right offense.

He was glaring at me from behind his aviators.

What happened to that smile?

All the sudden, I heard Carlos behind me, whispering. "James' team is unbeatable. So...watch out."

I nodded and focused on the game.

Carlos was right offense, and the mid one immediately kicked the ball to him. He ran up ahead and dodged a few people before passing it to me. I quickly shot it to the mid offense and he shot it in the goal.

Score one for Kendall.

We lined back up again, except this time it was James' team kicking off. He shot me a smirk as it was passed to him. He kicked it right to the side of me as I tried to get it. Before I knew it, though, he was shooting the goal.

God, he's a quick one.

Score one for James.

The rest of the game went on like that until the last minute. We were tied.

I was planning on winning. So what if they were kicking off? I was going to get the ball.

Because James didn't switch up his technique. And I found a way to beat it.

So, when he kicked it to my side, I blocked it and kicked it up field, running after it and passing it to Carlos, who shot it in.

We won.

I saw James send me a death glare before stepping off the field and heading towards Logan.

Carlos ran up to me, a shocked face contorting his features. "Oh my God! You beat James!"

I nodded and smiled.

He laughed and hugged me tight.

No one had hugged me in weeks.

Not even my mother.

Or my sister.

_Because they don't love you._

I immediately gripped Carlos tighter, burying my head in his shoulder as a few tears slipped pass.

_Why do you think they sent you here? You were annoying them. You were just hurting them. They hate you. They couldn't stand you. _

"You don't know that…"

_Oh but I do. You've heard them. They just pitied you. And when you were too much of a failure to handle, they sent you away. You were too much like your father. You are your father._

"No I'm not!"

I was on the ground now, gripping my head again.

"I'm not my father!"

I didn't know when I started sobbing.

"Kendall, Kendall! Calm down! It's ok! The voices can't hurt you! They can't physically hurt you!"

Who was that?

_See, Kendall? You're slowly losing your mind. You're going to end up killing yourself because you're weak, Kendall. You're going to take the easy way out and be just like your father._

_After all, like father like son._

"No! No, no, no, no!"

I didn't care if everyone was staring. The voices…

_You're never going to be perfect, Kendall. You're supposed to be perfect! Why are you not perfect, Kendall?_

I felt someone lifting me up. Where were they taking me?

_Maybe somewhere to kill you. That's what you deserve._

"No…" I whimpered.

_Yes. You deserve to die!_

I felt a stabbing pain go through my head as I screamed.

I hate the voices when they get like this.

No one else figures out this feeling and how lonely it can get.

When they get like this, all I can feel is pain and hurt and…I'm all alone.

No one knows what this feels like.

Being constantly berated by voices in your head.

"Kendall," a silky voice stated. "Can you open your eyes?"

I squeezed them shut.

They were going to kill me.

Like the voices said.

I don't want to die.

"Kendall, you're not going to die. I'm not going to kill you, no matter how much you anger me. Open your eyes."

I swallowed roughly.

_Come on, you wimp. Open your eyes. Don't be a weak failure._

I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Kendall," the voice stated again. "They'll go away if you open your eyes."

I let my eyes open the tiniest bit.

I saw a flash of dark brown hair before I saw the sun glasses.

What was James doing trying to help me?

"Shh. It's ok. I know how it feels."

He was stroking my hair now.

Where was I?

I looked around and tried to sit up, only to have him shove me down. "Stay lying down. You need to rest and come back to your senses before you get up again."

I was in a dorm.

Not my dorm.

Was this James' dorm?

It looked normal. Like mine and Carlos'.

Well, what did I expect? Something dark and scary?

James is just a normal kid, like me.

Well, sort of normal.

I mean, we're humans.

Just…problematic ones.

It smells just like him. Musky and forest-y and beach-y. I liked it here.

"Why are you helping me?" I whispered to him.

He bit his lip. "Because I know how it feels. The voices. Only Logan really knows about them, but…they suck, don't they?" He cracked a small smile.

I only nodded. "Uh…sorry about the game."

He shook his head. "It's fine. Just…I'm not used to losing."

I smiled. He seemed really fun to talk to. "I think I'm good now."

"You sure?"

I nodded again. "Yeah." I looked around his room. There was a black guitar in the corner. "You play guitar?"

"And write songs. I've always wanted to be famous…but that dream went down the drain when I was forced into this place." He looked up at me. "You play?"

I nodded. "I left my guitar at home, though. I was thinking of having my mom bring it in."

He smiled. "It helps, a lot, you know."

I nodded. I did know.

I stood slowly and walked towards the door. "See you around."

"Wait."

I turned towards him.

He scratched the back of his neck. "Logan's going to be tutoring Carlos during study hall. Want to…do homework together? I'm actually having trouble in English."

I cracked a smile. "It's a good thing English is my forte. I'll see you then."

I walked out of his room and down the hall to my dorm.

I grabbed my phone and shot my mom a text.

_Hey mom. Can you bring my guitar on your next visit? I miss it._

_Sure, sweetie. We'll be coming tomorrow._

I smiled and put my phone down and grabbed my forgotten binder from my desk. It was almost 3:30 anyway.

I made my way towards the library, ignoring the many stares I received before walking into my now favorite place in this school.

The library.

It's so quiet and peaceful here.

I can relax here.

I found the isle I was in yesterday with Carlos and sat down, taking out the homework I had due in two days.

A shadow came over my work.

I looked up to see James.

He looked nervous.

"You okay?" I asked quietly.

He nodded. "It's weird hanging out with someone not Logan and not a level two."

I just nodded. "Want to get to work?" I pulled out my English homework.

An essay about grammatical shit.

I mean, seriously! If you're going to assign an essay, make sure it's a good one!

Not grammatical crap no one cares too much about.

I sighed and looked up at James. "I don't get why she assigned this when she could've assigned something on world hunger."

He smiled. "Yeah! Like, why do it on something as boring as this when there are a ton of other problematic things in life to explore?"

I was beginning to like him more and more.

I nodded. "I could list ten right off my head and she comes up with this."

"Name ten then."

"World hunger. Child abuse. Bullying. Domestic violence. Gangs. Adults trying to make their kids perfect. The economy. The government. Self-harm. And fathers who run away from their families because they can't handle it anymore." My voice had gotten quiet.

I saw his walls go up.

Touchy subject, then.

"Did your dad leave you?"

I nodded and bit my lip.

"Mine did, too."

I looked up to see him still wearing his glasses. But there was an opal tear that snuck under them and down his cheek.

I wiped it away with my thumb and kept my hand on his cheek.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Um…" he took my hand off his cheek, but didn't let go of it. "My dad left when I was only eight. Divorced my mom. He was the only one who really cared about me, you know? And he just left. So all I had was my mom. And she didn't really count because she never cared about me."

I squeezed his hand.

"What about you?"

I looked down. "A year ago, when I was fifteen, my Dad got drunk and drove and killed himself and my best friend's father. Everyone turned against me except my family. I just…went insane, I guess. My mom sent me here. My sister, Katie, she's ten, she didn't even say good bye."

I felt him tilt my head up. "I know how it feels."

I don't know what got into me.

I just ended up sobbing into his shoulder as he held me.

I finally broke down.

I barely knew this kid and yet I was already crushing on him and telling him my past.

Nice going, Kendall.

He pulled back once I stopped.

"Don't turn to what I did. It ruins your life, ok? Just don't. For me, ok?"

His eyes were watery.

I nodded. "Why do you do it?"

His walls went up.

"You don't need to tell me. I was just curious. Come on. We have an English paper to do and it won't finish itself."

He looked thankful for the subject change.

I looked between the shelves to see Logan and Carlos working on the math homework from yesterday.

Logan was smiling while Carlos' tongue stuck out as he worked.

Logan looked really happy.

"They look good together, don't you think?"

I looked at James. "They do."

I wish we could be like that.

**A/N:**** Well, how was that for some happiness and fluff and angst? I really like this chapter. James is softening up. Cargan is starting. Kendall's just starting to realize what he feels for James is more than a crush. I've actually written up to chapter 5! I'm starting 6 right now. XD this is 7.25 pages on word…wow. Well, I hope you liked it! Review button's looking awful pretty… **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:**** OMG. What the fuck? (Sorry.) But like…oh my frickin God. 50 reviews? Are you fucking KIDDING ME? You guys are like killing me so I can come back to life and write and then die again. **

**To put it simply…**

**I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! If I knew where you lived, I would be flying there and giving you all hugs and muffin baskets. LOL I love muffins. :D**

**Well, someone created a James Angst playlist (****fall into your sunlight****) and I've been listening to it and, well, this was born. :D Ugh. I am rewriting all the chapters and AHH! At least I planned them out… But the thing is my ear phones STOPPED WORKING! So I have no way to listen to my music without it blaring out the speakers. GRRRR. Ah, oh well. The rain stopped. It soaked me because I enjoy dancing and singing obnoxiously in the rain. I can imagine James doing that with Kendall…there's a one shot idea. **_***cough***_**write a fic**_***cough* **_**Anyway! Thank you for the reviews!**

Chapter Four:

James' POV:

It's been a week since that incident with Kendall.

Ever since…I just can't get that damn boy out of my mind!

I'm not gay!

I'm not even bi!

How can I like him so much?

It's so confusing! All I want to do every time his eyes squeeze shut and his breathing becomes erratic is kiss him until the voices go away.

At least mine aren't that bad.

Mine just get bad when I feel like cutting.

So…most of the time.

But his…it's like they psychologically abuse him all the time.

Even when he's not alone and happy and-

And I don't want him to go through all that.

I want him to live a normal life.

I want him to be happy and loved and-

And to like me back.

_He'll never like you back, James._

You don't know that.

_But I do. Look at yourself, James. You're a wreck. You cut yourself, you slip up, you're always angry. No one in their right mind would love you. Your mother didn't and you father didn't. Why do you think he left?_

No…him and mom just got in a fight and they just didn't love each other anymore. He had said that he would've taken me if he had enough money…

_But he did. He already had that job in place. You heard them one night. He left you because he didn't love you._

But he did!

_No he didn't. He left you in your mother's hands._

Stop it! He did love me! He still does, wherever he is!

_No he doesn't! he's long gone now, and he's forgotten about you and has started a new family, with a son he could really love._

No. No!

_Everyone you love leaves you, James. You only bring destruction and hatred wherever you go. Logan's only around because he ruins everything he touches. Kendall's going to leave you as soon as he gets better. He's going to-_

SHUT UP!

He's not going to leave me!

And I don't love him!

_You do. You fucking love him after only meeting him. And he's going to rip your heart out and take it with him once he leaves you to die._

No…

Where's my blade?

I hid it inside my laptop.

Where'd it go?

I need it.

I opened up the CD drive of it and there it was.

A piece of a knife from the cafeteria that I stole.

Idiots.

I need the blade running along my wrist, breaking skin. I need to bleed.

I ran it along my forearm, throwing my head back in the pleasure it brought.

_Look at yourself, cutting to try to get rid of everything. Weakling. Failure. _

I dug it deeper, gasping as the voices shut up.

No more voices.

No more pain.

No more Kendall.

Logan POV:

Carlos…my word. Whenever he really concentrates, his tongue sticks out the corner of his mouth. And it's positively _adorable_.

I admit it. I like him. Like, a lot. Like, crushing like, you know?

Oh my God. I sound like the Jennifer's. Or Jett. Either would do.

I looked down at my own homework. There was a ripped piece of paper peeking out from under my homework.

I took it out and looked at it. It was in Carlos' handwriting, for sure…but it was in Spanish. I suck at Spanish.

I carefully put it in my pocket, planning on translating it later, and ignored the smile Carlos produced as his tongue stuck out.

Oh my God.

He's so freaking _cute_!

I sound like a girl, but I could care less. I'm bi, I've admitted it. But oh my God. It's like my feminine side popped out and won't go back in.

GAH!

I felt a blush creep to my cheeks as he smiled over at me. "Well, I best being going. It's almost 9:30 and quite frankly, I want to shower. I'll see you tomorrow?"

I nodded and smiled. "See you, Carlos."

I saw him leave as I started packing up my binder. I wonder if James was already back at the dorm. He probably was, knowing him.

What I didn't expect was seeing James hovering over his desk, sobbing.

And cutting.

He hadn't cut in two weeks.

It was starting to get better.

What changed?

I called out, "James?"

I saw him freeze up and stop mid-way through a third cut.

"J-James…" I whispered, slowly going over to him. I pried the knife out of his hand, watching as he weakly reached for it.

"I need it, Logan! Please!"

"No!" I threw open the window and tossed it out. I slammed the window shut and turned back to James, who was standing and sobbing in the middle of the room.

"Why'd you do that? I need it! I need it!" His hands were clawing at his head as he collapsed to the floor.

"James, you don't need it! Come on, let's get you cleaned up." I grabbed the bandages from my night stand, which I kept for nights like this, and pushed him towards the door. He was still crying.

"J-James, calm down. It's going to be better once I clean the cuts, ok?" I whispered to him. It was about 9:45, and luckily only a few people were in the bathroom. Most were showering.

I brought James to the sink and pulled his arm under, turning the water to lukewarm. He flinched, but bit his lip and fought back the tears. After washing out the cuts, I gingerly wrapped them and wiped all traces of blood away. When we walked back to the bedroom, I sat him down on the bed and grabbed my Clorox wipes, washing the desk and the droplets of blood from his laptop. After throwing them out underneath the trash in our trashcan, I turned back to face him.

His lower lip was quivering and his eyes were wide and scared.

He had two types of slip ups.

One being where he was angry and violent, the most common.

And two, this type, where he just broke down.

I just sat beside him on the bed, pulling him into a hug and said, "Just let it all out."

He started sobbing into my shoulder, crying out about how he was going to lose everything and that he was horrible and he ruined everything he touched.

They were always like this, these types of slip ups.

Self-hatred, sadness, anger; any bad emotion! He was so used to bottling them all up, he slipped up and burst. Like now.

I just simply comforted him, knowing that no words would mend his broken soul. I've tried before. He just yelled at me and shot down all my attempts.

Luckily for me, he wore himself out quickly.

"James. Whenever you feel the need to cut, come talk to me. Yell at me, do whatever you have to. Just, you need to stop cutting."

He only nodded as he lied down on the bed.

"Promise me you'll try harder."

He looked at me with tired, lost eyes. "I can't do that."

"Yes you can!" I exclaimed, standing up. "Promise me!"

He sighed. "I'll promise to try harder."

I nodded. "Good. Now, go to sleep. You won't be feeling too well in the morning."

He nodded again, rolling over and pulling the covers up. I shut off the light since it was almost 11 and crawled into bed. The worker here would be in soon to check and see if we were asleep.

Luckily James was wearing his long sleeve shirt, so she wouldn't see the bandages.

I heard her come in a few minutes after resting, checking to see if we were both in bed before giving a kiss to our foreheads and walking out.

She was my favorite worker here.

Late 40's and treated everyone like they were her own children.

I smiled as I flung the covers off, tip toeing to my laptop and booting it up as I sat down. I quickly opened up the internet and pulled up Google Translate and going to Spanish to English mode. I typed in what Carlos wrote and clicked translate.

_I may not be good at math, but I know that you plus me equals something good. So…Want to go on a date with me?_

I rolled my eyes before flipping it over and writing something down in English.

_That has to be the cheesiest math pickup line I have ever heard. But yeah, I'd love to go on a date with you._

I put it in my jeans pockets that I had laid out for tomorrow before changing into my pajamas and crawling into my bed.

I wonder what Carlos had in mind. I mean, there's not much here you could do for a date! But…I'm glad he asked me. I seriously feel as if I could jump for joy. Even wake James up from his sleep. But doing that would surely get me killed, so I just instead expressed my happiness through a grin on my face as I succumbed to the darkness.

**A/N:**** LOL I know it's shorter, but this is what a normal chapter from me looks like! Cranked with angst and fluff and about 2,000 words. Most of my chapters for this story have been 3,000! So, sorry for the short chapter. BUUUT! I spent a lot of time rewriting this chapter. The other story I had already written for the rest of this was WAY too rushed for my mind and there WASN'T ENOUGH ANGST! So, I wrote this. Uh, and sorry for like avoiding all my other stories. I'm trying to overcome writers block. So, any ideas you have, then PM me! I hoped you liked it! I cannot thank you all enough for the support! So...uh...THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Please, review?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:**** IMPORTANT!Ok. I already know I got a lot of reviews for this chapter, but **_**Sam Temple**_** gave me some constructive criticism that I wanted to go by and fix. So, I rewrote this chapter.**

**But…*falls to the ground and struggles to get back up* **

**Oh my God. Tall Blonde and Eyebrows… MAJOR SHOUT OUT. Like, OH MY GOD! YOU WROTE THAT ****SINGING IN THE RAIN****! I LOVE YOU! **

**And, the reviews. I'm at 70, and it was the fourth chapter! AHH! I cannot comprehend. My brain…malfunctioning…*twitch***

**I've recently created my own James Angst playlist. I'm still looking through Pandora Radio for angsty bands that are like Red, Breaking Benjamin, and I recently discovered Sanctus Real and Falling Up. Who I LOVE. (Like, I'm Not Alright by Sanctus Real? SCREAMS ANGST FOR THOSE FOUR BOYS! I cannot wait to write a song fic on that one.)**

**And, I have major(x1000000) writers block for like everything but this story. So, I might actually come out with a collection of song fics. Because, most of the angst songs, really inspire me. Like, Woah, Woah! (Hahaha song moment.)**

**Long Authors Note, I know. But, when I finish the Angst list, I'll put it up on my profile for fellow music lovers. LOL. Pandora ROCKS! I'll let you read.**

Chapter Five:

Kendall POV:

I didn't see James yesterday, like, anywhere.

I don't know if I should be worried or concerned or what.

Wait.

Those mean the same thing.

See? I can't even think clearly without him!

How pathetic!

_You are pathetic._

If you're me, then you're equally as pathetic.

I smiled as it grumbled a little.

I've gotten pretty witty with this voice.

I walked into the classroom for English and saw James.

Thank God he wasn't hurt or anything.

Sure, his sunglasses were on, he was wearing dark colors; he was wearing a long shirt, and a scowl. But so? He stilled smiled at me, right.

Wrong.

Erroneous.

And…ugh, what's another synonym of wrong?

He always smiled at me when I walked in to a room because, well, we were friends. Right?

I don't know.

I hate not knowing.

It's like, GAH! WHY CAN'T I KNOW?

God's out to get me, I swear.

It's a shame class started, because I really wanted to talk to James. Ask him what his problem was.

Or, you know, not sound that mean, but get it out of him.

I'm nosy when it comes to people I like.

And I like James.

More than I should.

Throughout the rest of the day, James ignored me. Every time I walked up to him, he would back away and mutter and excuse.

Why is he ignoring me?

What did I do wrong?

After lunch, I caught Logan as Carlos was talking to him.

I walked up to him. "Logan, I need to talk to you." I sent him my best 'serious' look.

He bit his lip and told Carlos he would be back in a second before following me a little bit. "What, Kendall?"

I turned towards him. "What's up with James? He's been ignoring me and being all closed off again."

Logan brought his intense brown eyes up to meet mine. He had a hard grimace on his face. "It's not my place to tell."

"Did he cut? The day before yesterday? Because he never left his dorm room." I glared at him.

He crossed his arms. "I can't confirm or deny that."

"Why not? I'm worried about him!"

"And I see that," Logan rolled his eyes. "But he's my best friend. And it would be better if he told you himself. Give him time, Kendall. I know what type of person you are. You're the type to pry and make people break."

_See, Kendall? You hurt everybody._

I shut my eyes and breathed deeply. "Fine."

"Kendall-"

"I need to go."

_Even Logan, who's barely known you, knows how you hurt everyone around you._

Shut up.

_But it's true, Kendall. You hurt your friend, you hurt your sister, you hurt your mother, and you're going to hurt Logan, Carlos, and James, too._

No. I'm not.

_You are. You're too scared to admit it. Because your stupid veneer gets in the way._

I don't have a veneer.

_Yes, you do. Because you're weak._

So what? Everyone else is.

_But the difference is that you're a failure, Kendall. No one is as much of a failure as you._

Not even Hitler?

No reply.

Good.

I outwitted it, again.

As soon as study hall came around, I went straight to the library, in search of James.

I wanted to know his problem.

Even if I already had a strong theory.

I needed to hear it from him.

It would make it true and undeniable.

I walked in to the isle I usually sit in to find him already sitting there.

"James."

He looked up. His face went pale and he stood up, trying to get past me.

I shoved him back so he was standing in front of me. "Why won't you talk to me, James?" He just shook his head, looking anywhere but me. I stepped closer to him. "James, talk to me, please." He shook his head, backing up until he hit the wall. He bit his lip and shook his head frantically. I put my hands on his shoulders, gently keeping him where he was. "James…you can tell me. I won't hate you, or be mad at you."

"I don't care." He finally spat out, shoving past me and grabbing his stuff. "You don't need to know."

I quickly followed him out of the isle. "James, I care about you-"

"And that's great! All you're doing, though, is setting yourself up for failure and pain. All I ever do is hurt people, so if you really want to care about me, then you better be able to handle the pain I end up putting you through."

"You don't do it on purpose!"

"Well, this time I am. But this won't hurt you as bad as it would if you had gotten to know me more. So, stop talking to me, Kendall. Stop bugging me about my problems and shit. Because I will never give you the answers. I don't like you or care about you the way you care about me, ok? So, just, go snoop in someone else's life. Make everyone happy and mind your own fucking business! Because you have obviously mistaken me for somebody who actually gives a damn." He scowled before walking away, leaving me alone in the library.

I vaguely saw Logan get out of his chair and run after James, and I saw Carlos come towards me, but the only thing I could really focus on were his words.

I didn't snoop and pry, did I?

_You did. You were all up in his business and you made him hate you, like everyone sensible does._

Look, Voice, I'm busy right now. Can I ignore you some other time?

_No! You're going to listen to me because what I'm saying is the truth! You pry in everyone's business, suddenly making it your own. It's because you're a control freak who can't let someone have a life. James doesn't care about you, you heard him! You saw that look in his eyes! He hates you!_

No! He was lying!

_Just like your father hated you._

My father didn't hate me…he just left…because…because…

_Exactly. He hated you. He hated you, your mother, and your sister._

No…he didn't…

_Your sister hates you. She didn't even say goodbye. And when they visit she barely speaks a word._

She can't hate me!

_And your mother hates you. Why do you think she sent you here? To get you out of her life!_

No! No, no, no, no! Stop!

I felt Carlos trying to tug me over to the chair, but I wouldn't budge. Instead, I fell to the floor, sobbing. He immediately wrapped his arms around me, lying to me and saying it was all going to be okay.

But it wasn't.

It never would be.

Because everything was slowly slipping through the gaps of my fingers and onto the floor, where I desperately tried to pick it all up.

The voice was right.

Everyone hates me.

Everyone sensible hates me.

Only Carlos didn't.

But, he probably did, deep down.

I shoved him off of me, running towards the door. I needed to get out of there. I needed to get away.

I ran outside and saw a glint in the grass, and went over to see what it was.

A broken piece of knife.

I quickly grabbed it, running to the dorm building, my destination: the bathrooms.

I walked in, happy to notice no one was in there. I flicked the water on and washed the knife off, keeping the water on as I brought it to my wrist.

I dug it in and dragged it.

So this was what it felt like? To be a cutter? To cut away all your problems and bleed?

It felt damn good.

Too good.

I put it to my wrist again, dragging it slowly.

Why was I even angry again?

_Look at you. Turning to be a weakling. Cutting away all the pain like the failure and idiot you are. All because you couldn't handle it._

I felt someone gently pry the knife from my hand and set it down. Their hands gently moved to my wrist and washed off the two cuts. The hands bandaged them before they turned me around so I was facing the person.

It was the nice worker in her 40's. I think her name was Mrs. Rogers.

"Sweetie," she whispered. "I think you need to be moved to Level Two."

The words softly clicked in my brain as my previous actions became reality. I threw myself in her arms, not caring anymore, as I sobbed into her shoulder.

"It was a slip up! I won't do it again! I promise…"

She pulled me back. "I'm going to be watching you and checking your wrists every night, ok? But I'll keep it a little secret if I don't see any more cuts. Now, go change into a long sleeve shirt. We can't have anybody questioning you, now can we?"

I nodded, letting her take my hand and drag me to my dorm room.

"You should talk about your feelings in Group Therapy tomorrow, ok? It really does help to get them all out."

I nodded and shut the door.

I cannot believe I turned to cutting. Even for a measly minute, I still turned to it.

And it's what people make it out to be.

A savior.

**A/N:**** How was that? **_**Sam Temple**_**, I hope you like this one better! I'm thinking of switching POV's from chapter to chapter to make it flow better. So, there goes Kames, which I agree, was moving way too fast. And the next chapter will be the Cargan and Logan's POV of what happened to James. Ok? Then, chapter seven will be Group Therapy. I know that part with Mrs. Rogers is unrealistic…but she cares about him and is letting it slide. I'll probably go into one of the Knight visits in chapter eight. About what happens during one of the visits and why it upsets Kendall so much. I hope it this was better! And I hoped you all liked it! Thank you for reading this!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:**** Hello! Here is chapter six. I'm not sure if all of you have read chapter five's rewrite. But, yeah. ****I rewrote Chapter Five, and it leads into this chapter.**** So, if you don't read the rewrite, then you'll probably be terribly lost. I highly recommend you go and reread chapter five. **

**And thank you all so much for reviewing! It means the world to me! 16? I love you all! Cyber cupcakes for all of you!**

**Also, I'm starting to write another story, (Like the loser I am) even though I have five on-going ones right now. I will probably finish this first, then the others will be next as I come out with another one. (I really hate my creative brain right now. It wants me to start writing it already!) And I actually drew a Kames drawing! It sucks, but I drew one! :D And I'm drawing more…**

**I'm kind of angry, though. BTR made the song, you know, Any Type of Guy. But, what happened to being true to yourself? Having someone fall for you because you're you?**

**And I have no idea how people inject themselves with drugs. I don't do them. So, sorry. It's crappy and Logan's feelings and illusions are crappy and-**

**This chapter's crappy. Sorry.**

**Well, that is all. Just an update. Thank you all! Now, if you read the chapter five with the Cargan in it, then go reread it! Because it's not the same chapter anymore. Thanks, again!**

Chapter Six:

Logan POV:

I was with Carlos, having a great time, when James and Kendall stormed into the common area of the library.

I had handed him the slip of paper, and he had smiled and laughed as he said, "It's a date then."

I grinned and asked, "How are we going to go on a date when we're stuck in here?"

He rolled his eyes. "Well, just meet me in the field under the sycamore tree during lunch tomorrow, ok? It's going to be fun."

I only nodded. This boy was making my life so much better.

Yet so much worse.

I couldn't fathom the idea of him leaving me. A lowlife druggie.

So what if I was smart? So what if I wanted to be a doctor? They wouldn't accept me into med school if I had done drugs…

Would they?

Well, I had been helping Carlos solve something with the quadratic formula when I heard James. "Make everyone happy and mind your own fucking business! Because you have obviously mistaken me for somebody who actually gives a damn." James shouted before walking away, leaving Kendall.

I made eye contact with Carlos, giving him a silent sign to comfort Kendall while I dealt with James. He nodded as I ran after the taller teen.

"James!" I shouted, running after him. I followed him into the gym, where he had immediately dived into the pool. "God damn it!" I screamed at him as he surfaced.

"Go away, Logan! I'm not talking to you. Or anyone, for that matter."

"If you're going to push everyone away and not talk to me, then I'm not going to even try anymore!" I sighed loudly, storming out of the place. I could feel my hands start shaking and my insides getting jittery. I hated this feeling. It was the feeling of needing that injection…

I walked stiffly back to my dorm room, where I shut the door and threw myself on the floor. Right under my bed, I searched for the little string that was connected to a floor board. I opened it up and dug inside for the container.

I pulled it out and set it down next to me, throwing open the lid and looking inside.

My hands had started to shake terribly, and I could barely focus on anything. I quickly grabbed a needle, poking it inside the container that held my salvation.

My heroin.

Once it was filled, I strapped my arm properly and stuck the needle into my vein, pushing all the fluid in.

I took the needle out and cleaned it off before putting it back into the container and hiding it.

James didn't need to know.

What I didn't expect was him watching from the doorway as I hid the container.

"Logan…" he spoke softly.

I could feel the colors starting to seep into my vision as my brain hummed.

"Why?"

I sat down roughly on the bed, the room tipping.

"Logan." He spoke sternly.

I looked up at him and smiled. "I did it because of you. And Carlos. And me."

He looked confused, so I laughed. His confused face looked really funny. I could also feel the drugs working, and they tickled my head a little.

"You pushed me away because you hate me." I pointed at him. "Carlos is going to leave me when he gets all better!" I threw my arm towards the doorway. "And I'm going to stay here forever and ever and die alone and high!" I scrunched up my nose while flailing my arms about.

James quickly grabbed my collar. "Snap out of it, man! You're not going to die! And I don't hate you and by the looks of it, Carlos wouldn't ever leave you! How could you hide this stash from me?"

I shoved his hands off and laid down, smiling at the tie dye colors that took over the ceiling. "You would've taken away my magic liquid."

"Well, duh. You need to get off of it. You're addicted." He rolled his eyes as he took the container from under my bed.

"No! Don't take it away, Jamie! I need it!"

He bit his lip. It sounded a lot like what he said two days ago. "You don't need it, Logan. Think about this. You're never going to become a doctor if you're always high. You're never going to be serious with Carlos if he thinks you're not even there. You need to get off this stuff, Logan. I'm going to tell Carlos." He sighed as he gripped the container.

"NO!" I shouted, stumbling to where he stood by the door. "You can't! He'll hate me!"

"And maybe that's what you need to snap you out of this fantasy world you're in." James scowled.

"My fantasy world?" I shut the door as he opened it. "Look at you! You fucking cut yourself! Look me in the eye and tell me I'm alone in my fantasy world and you're not a fucking hypocrite."

He scowled. "Not the time, Logan."

"It is the time!" I screeched at him. "You're pushing everyone away, including blondie, who is clearly into you. At least I'm not pushing Carlos away!"

"But you are!" James pushed me back. "Lying to him is just as good as slapping him!" I bit my lip as he came nearer. "I'm telling him."

He quickly dodged my hand, which had really missed him by a few feet, as he went to the door.

"I'm going to tell Carlos, and you're going to talk about this tomorrow in Group Therapy, and you're going to get better. Ok?"

I scowled at him. "Not until you stop cutting."

He sighed and walked out the door.

How could he do this to me?

I felt so light and free and all I could see was beautiful things and he makes it all bad.

He's telling Carlos.

How could he tell Carlos?

Carlos is going to hate me.

Forever and ever and ever and ever.

He'll hate me.

I can't have him hate me.

We have a date tomorrow!

I guess that's going down the drain.

Along with my resolve.

And James'.

And life.

Today was misery, though, and I can't really believe this happened.

I heard the door open slightly and I looked up through my tears.

There stood Carlos.

"You hate me." I muttered, frowning at the strange colors his shirt took on.

He shook his head. "I could never hate you."

I stood up and stumbled to where he was. "Look at me! I'm high!"

He smiled. "And you're quite cute when you're high. But that's not the point." He led me back to the bed. "Point is I'm going to help you with your withdrawals."

I pouted. "Why? I like being like this! I feel happy again."

"You're not happy normally?"

I shook my head. "I'm only happy like this and when I'm with you."

He gently took a hold of my hand. "Logan?"

I looked up.

"I can teach you a much easier, healthier, and better way to get high."

My ears perked up at this.

"We just need to do fun things, like climbing trees and jumping off the roof or jumping from the ceiling into the pool. I can show you much better ways. Please, Logan. Listen to me."

I scowled up at him."I like my magic liquid."

"Well, you want to know a better magic liquid?"

I gave him my best "Are you serious?" look.

"Smoothies."

He did have a point.

They are pretty magical. And smooth and creamy and just plain good.

"B-but…" I stuttered out, not really knowing why I was arguing with him.

"We can have smoothies while walking around. And then we can climb a tree and jump off of it. And while we're falling, you get this rush. It's way better than getting high."

I scowled again. "How would you know?"

He smiled. "I know a lot of things that don't deal with math."

Now, even I had to crack a smile to that.

He brought me in close to his chest.

He was giving me a hug.

It's been years since I've gotten a hug because I was sad.

I blame the colors, or the light feeling for ditching me, because I had started sobbing into his shoulder.

He should hate me. Loathe me. Be repulsed by me.

And yet he's comforting me.

I felt his arms tighten around my shoulders as he lay back against the bed.

He started stroking my hair, and soon enough, I was asleep.

**A/N:**** *sticks tongue out while smacking head on desk.* I don't like this chapter. I just…writing Cargan angst or Logan angst…is HARD! GOD! Well, sorry for short and crappy chapter. And a late update. It's just...I didn't want to move onto the Group Therapy in this chapter becuase that's for the NEXT chapter...and it turned out short. I'm a loser, I know. LOL I'm trying to get this at 2,000 words so it doesn't look UBER short. I love you all, though. So, well, even though it sucked, will you REVIEW?**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:**** I'm already on chapter 7…I never knew this would be this long! Well, I'm happy it is. I've enjoyed writing this. But it's not over. Probably won't be over for a while, lol. Wow. I've been working on this Health Online class and I HATE IT. Well, I'm glad it's getting over and done with. But…work over the summer? That earns a BLEH. BLEH BLEH BLEH. Well, alrighty then. OMG. I'm starting a Zombie Apocalypse fic. I'm such a loser. Oh my God. So, I'm NOT going to publish it until all my other stories are done! *Puts on serious face* I'm going to try to do what MerialTLA does. One story at a time. I'm not going to achieve that but oh well, I'm glad you all liked the rewrite and chapter six! Thank you all so much! I posted that James Angst Playlist of mine on my profile. Just a BTW. And I have no idea how you do Group Therapy. So, I tried. Enjoy Group Therapy. ;)**

Chapter Seven:

Kendall POV:

I had awoken to Carlos shaking me.

"What?" I grumbled, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

He rolled his eyes. "Well, I let you sleep in. You should really get ready and go have lunch before we meet at Group Therapy."

I stared at him. "Lunch? What ever happened to breakfast?"

"Dude," he deadpanned. "It's 11:48 in the morning. Get your lazy ass out of bed and get ready and go to lunch!"

I rolled out of bed. "Yes, mother!"

"Shut up!" he slapped my arm.

I grabbed my pillow, whipping it towards his head.

He stumbled back before glaring at me. I saw his hands itching to just tackle me to the floor, but he restrained himself.

"You are really not a morning person. Now, I have a date to get ready to. So…just get ready!"

I threw my pillow back on the bed before walking over to my closet. I tugged on my skinny jeans and shoes first, making sure Carlos had left, before taking off my long sleeve shirt and tugging on another. I couldn't have him see my slip up. No one was going to find out.

Not even James.

I walked to the bathroom and quickly washed up, before dropping my things off back at the dorm and heading to the cafeteria.

I quickly got a grilled cheese sandwich and a fruit salad with a drink and sat down by my friends.

Camille was the first to notice me. "Where were you this morning?"

I smiled. "I was sleeping."

"Not a morning person, eh?" Jo laughed.

I shook my head.

I saw Jett sit down at the table, pulling out a chair by Jo. I watched them a little bit while Camille talked to me. Thing was, he was smiling and talking to Jo about how her day went yesterday.

_Her_ day.

No talks about him.

I smiled and looked back to Camille, who had also stopped talking to look at them.

"Jo's happy." I whispered.

"Yah. And Jett isn't talking about himself."

"They're getting better." I laughed.

"And we're not?" Camille's demeanor immediately went to dark and scary.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not."

"Why not?"

"A long story."

She raised an eyebrow. "The voices?"

I looked away. "Sure."

She rolled her eyes. "Alrighty then. Here comes Dak."

Dak smiled at us before sitting down next to Camille. "Hey."

"Hey." Camille replied, smiling.

I nodded towards him.

"Well, Group Therapy is 2 for us. Kendall, you're in the 1 pm one. Do you know why? You're in it with Carlos, which is strange, because that's usually reserved for Level Twos."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe they screwed up the times."

He frowned but nodded.

"How many level ones where put in the 1 pm?"

"Two. You and Carlos."

I nodded. "That's really weird."

"You bet it is." Dak sighed, but took a hold of Camille's hand before looking up at me. "We need to go."

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "Have fun!" I called after them.

Camille blushed and screeched back, "Shut up!"

I quickly got up and threw out my trash before heading out.

Where the hell was Group Therapy supposed to be?

_The library, you idiot._

Thanks.

_No problem._

I laughed as I made my way towards the tall building. Since when did my voice start wanting to _help_ me?

Apparently today.

Because there, sitting in a circle of sorts, was sitting the group.

I looked at the clock at read 12:57.

Ah. So I'm on time.

I sat down in the only seat left, in between some kid who looked like a weirdo and a nerd.

Great.

I saw James staring at my left wrist, which was a little bulky from the bandages, and I immediately covered it with my right hand.

I didn't want him suspecting anything, but I couldn't have him figure out I had cut myself.

He had caught my eye, though, with his sun glasses, and he wore a frown.

I didn't meet his gaze. Instead, I looked at Carlos and Logan.

Logan was leaning on Carlos and wore a pained expression. Carlos mouthed to me "Hangover." I nodded and looked back at the lady.

The lady stood up from her spot in the circle. "Hello. Now that everyone is here, I want you to go around and introduce yourselves and tell us why you are in here."

Everyone nodded.

The weird kid to my left started.

"I'm Aaron. I'm, uh, 15 and I'm…I'm addicted to smelling onions."

What the fuck?

What a freak!

The Goth girl beside him waved a hand, showing her tattooed arm. "I'm Caprice, 18, and I'm in here for violence."

James scowled as she turned to him. "James, 16, cutter."

He just slumped back in his seat.

A French looking kid beside him looked up. "I'm Pierre, 17, and I hallucinate."

Carlos smiled at everyone. "Carlos. 16, and apparently I'm partially insane."

Logan smiled and spoke up. "I'm Logan, 16, and I'm a heroin addict."

The nerd beside me sighed. "Chad, 14, schizophrenic."

I exhaled and said, "Kendall, 16, and I hear voices."

The lady nodded. "Well, now that you all know each other, why don't you tell us the last time something happened and tell us what happened. You don't have to, but I strongly recommend it."

She turned towards Aaron.

Aaron sighed sat forward. "Last week I had a salad. The lunch people had put onions in it. I had taken them and gotten high in my dorm."

The lady nodded and wrote something in her notebook before turning towards Caprice.

"I…a guard pissed me off a few days ago and I punched him."

She nodded and wrote something down before turning to James.

James scowled. "Three days ago."

She bit her lip and gripped her pen hard as she jotted something down. Seems like James didn't talk much in Group Therapy. She turned towards Pierre.

"The lunch lady turned into a zombie this morning…?"

She rolled her eyes and wrote it down before looking at Carlos.

Carlos shrugged. "I freaked out when Kendall threw a pillow at me when I wasn't expecting it, but that's normal."

She scoffed but wrote it down.

What a bitch.

She turned to Logan.

Carlos gently nudged Logan and the pale boy bit his lip. "I had a secret stash…and I got high last night."

She wrote it down before looking up. "Where is this stash?"

Logan shrugged. "I don't know. James took it away."

She turned towards James.

He put his hands up. "I turned it in to Mrs. Rogers."

"Of course you did." She rolled her eyes before turning to Chad.

"Something started talking to me yesterday morning. The picture on the wall, I think. I'm not sure. It was in English."

She jotted it down before turning to me.

"The voices talked to me this morning a little bit."

She looked skeptical. "Is that all?"

I bit my lip and looked at James. He gave me a _"What did you do?"_ look before I turned back to her.

"Yes."

James rolled his eyes.

The lady nodded and wrote it down.

"What did they say?"

"They just told me where Group Therapy was."

She looked taken aback. "What?"

"Well, the voices are a part of your brain. So, I was probably told where Group Therapy was but I forgot. But then the voices remembered and told me."

It was simple.

DUH logic.

She was a bitch, though. She probably didn't understand DUH logic.

Soon enough, we were all dismissed and I immediately dashed for the door.

I could NOT talk to James.

Because I'm pretty sure he knew what I did.

In the hallway of the dorm rooms was when he caught me.

He had snuck in to my dorm right before I slammed the door behind me and collapsed on my bed.

When I didn't hear the door close, though, I turned around and looked.

And there he was.

By the door.

Arms crossed and scowl on his face.

Along with those damn sun glasses.

"What, James?"

"I know what you did." He gave me a pointed look.

"I also know what you did. You cut yourself a few days ago and then avoided me. And when I confronted you, you blew me off and ran away."

"Kind of what you're doing now."

I scowled. "Go away."

"No, Kendall. You need to know how bad it is to go down the road I went down."

"Well it's too late! I've already gone down it!" I spat at him as he sat on the foot of my bed.

"Kendall, look at me."

"No."

"Look at me."

"No."

"God damn it! Just look at me."

I turned towards him to find his bright hazel eyes staring into my green ones.

His sun glasses were in his hand. "Kendall, show me your wrist."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"Not until you tell me why." I crossed my arms.

He sighed heavily. "I need to know how many cuts!"

"It's two."

"Prove it." He gave me a daring look.

I sighed and lifted up my sleeve, unwrapping the gauze and showing him the cuts. "See? Two."

"What did you use?"

I rewrapped my wrist. "Why are you all up in my business?"

"Just tell me!"

"Why? You never told me! You yell at me and push me away and expect me to tell you everything?" I was standing now.

"Please, Kendall. Just tell me."

"I used a broken piece of knife I found in the court yard."

"Damn." He swore, looking at the floor.

"What?"

He bit his lip.

"James, I told you. It's your turn."

"That's what I used when I cut myself the other day."

My eyes widened, but I tried not to show my surprise. He actually admitted to it.

"Logan had thrown it out the window."

Oh. Wow.

"I had only done three cuts. He caught me before I could do more."

I nodded and put a hand on his shoulder. "It was a slip up."

He threw it off. "No. It wasn't. I did it because I couldn't handle all the pressure. You…yours was a slip up."

What?

"You didn't mean to. You're not going to do it again. That's a slip up. Mine was…I did it on purpose."

"James-"

"Just promise me you won't do it again."

"What?"

"Promise me!"

I scowled at him, walking over to where he was by the door. "Not until you promise me you'll stop."

"I can't do that." He shook his head.

"Then promise me you'll try to stop. And try hard."

"I already promised Logan."

"Well, too bad. Promise me, too."

He bit his lip and opened the door. Before he walked out, he looked back. "I promise."

"I promise, too." I whispered back.

He nodded and walked down the hall.

All the sudden, Carlos was standing there, and Logan was running after James.

"What was all that about?"

"Nothing, Carlos."

"You wanna hear how the date went?"

I was glad he dropped it. I smiled and sat down on my bed as he sat down on his, leaving the door open. "Yeah. I'd love to."

He smiled and started talking. "Well, at 10, way before you woke up, I went to the cafeteria and asked them to set up a picnic for a date. The lady behind the counter had done it, too, free of charge! So I had set it up at noon, where Logan met me, and we just talked about everything and anything! It was amazing!" Carlos flew back onto his bed.

I laughed. "So…did you kiss him?"

He flew back up and glared at me. The glare was ruined by the blush that spread on his cheeks. "No!"

I shook my head. "You always kiss someone at the end of your first date."

"No you don't! You wait until you get to know the person and when you're strong, then you kiss them. Definitely NOT on the first date!" Carlos' nose scrunched up.

"So what did you do while you were talking? Sit there? Cuddle? Flirt? Walk around?"

He flew back against the bed again. "We were flirting and talking and sitting."

"Did you hold his hand?"

"No."

I scoffed. "What a first date."

"Hey! I enjoy taking things slow, thank you very much!"

I laughed as he threw a pillow at me. I threw it back and said, "Whatever, Mr. Fluffykins."

He looked up at me and screeched, "What?"

I laughed. "You flirt and talk but don't hold hands or kiss. And then declare you want to take things slow. That deserves a nickname."

"So you come up with Mr. Fluffykins?"

I opened my mouth to shut it again before sighing. "I need to talk to Jett. He has good nicknames."

"Don't you dare talk to Jett about this!"

"Too bad!" I sing songed, skipping out of the room.

"Fuck!" he screeched, running after me. "How the hell can you skip?"

"My sister taught me when I was younger!" I ran towards the field, where Jett and Dak were talking.

"Hey Kendall!" Dak smiled.

"Hey!" I said, before turning to Jett. "Carlos and Logan are dating. I need a good nickname to embarrass him."

"Why did you come to me?" He looked confused.

"You're good at nicknames."

He smiled. "Why thank you."

I rolled my eyes. "Can you just tell me one?"

"Carlitos. They had a Dorito fight during their date." Dak butted in.

I smiled. "Why, thank you for that information. I'm off to torture him about it."

Dak laughed while Jett just rolled his eyes. I waved goodbye before running back to the dorm.

I was going to never let Carlos live that date down.

I don't know why, but he wouldn't let me live my crush on James down.

So here was my ticket to Carlos ammo.

**A/N:**** So there it was. I really like this chapter. *Smiles widely* I hoped you all did, too! Took me forever to come up with what to write about in Group Therapy. So, I hope that part didn't suck. LOL, I made the lady a bitch. Hahahahha...well, thank you, Man-Suz-She for the onion idea. LOL. I couldn't NOT write that! **

**Please, review?**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: ****I lied. I had said this chapter was going to be a Knight Visitation, well, it's not. That's the next chapter. This one is James' POV of the last chapter. **_**Sam Temple**_**, I give you a shout out because you're AMAZING! You gave me such a wonderful idea (this awesome chapter) and I thank you for it. So, thanks! I'm glad you all liked the last chapter! LOL, the last few days I've been in a reading but not a writing mood. You have permission to virtually slap me. Well, I'll let you read! Thanks again! And, I'm in an angsty mood. And trying to avoid my online health class. *grins* don't tell my mom… shh… And, early apologies. I kind of bash a little on God in this. So, if you take offence to that, I'm sorry. It just gives so much more to James' thoughts and actions. Please don't hate about that. It's a story. So what if I'm not that religious? It's personal opinion. So, now that all is said and done, read on.**

Chapter Eight:

James POV:

No!

That…that idiot!

How could he do that?

How could he turn to what I did?

I could see it in his eyes! He knew what it felt like.

I could only hope he didn't do it again.

Because…he'll fuck his life up if he gets addicted to the pain.

I don't really know how I found out. I was just sitting on my side in Group Therapy, watching everyone. Because that's what I did.

Observe the world.

I didn't enjoy partaking in it.

It just leads to even more pain.

I would know.

Things had gone downhill from my life when I turned eight.

My dad…he was always one to help me up when I fell. He was always there in the background of every great moment in my life. He had been there for every birthday, for every performance, for every school assembly.

He cared.

Or so I thought.

I don't really know why he left.

I don't have any closure about it.

He just upped and left.

Right after signing the divorce papers.

I had already known my parents didn't love each other anymore. I had seen it in their eyes. I had heard their countless arguments that happened after midnight.

And I never heard the apologies that parents usually said to each other after arguing.

I was only eight. I shouldn't know things like that.

I shouldn't have had to go through what I did.

And yet God forced me to.

The bastard.

What was his problem?

I can remember the night so clearly.

It was three months after my eighth birthday, two weeks after I got the lead role in a local play, one day after my dad and mom had sighed the divorce papers.

30 minutes after one am.

20 minutes after the fight started.

10 minutes after my dad had threw his suitcase on his bed and packed his things.

5 minutes after he slammed the door to the house.

1 minute after I pushed my mom out of the way and ran after his truck in the night.

And the bastard had only left a note on my bedside table, saying that he couldn't take me because it wouldn't be fair.

Fuck fairness.

Life wasn't fair.

And, apparently I looked a lot like my dad. The eyes, the facial structure, the form. It spit the image of my dad as a kid.

I got my mom's hair and skin, though.

But, for some reason, after that, it was like I was shit to her.

I reminded her too much of my dad, and she took it out on me.

I was forced to work for everything with no support whatsoever.

No love.

I know, cliché, but seriously. Wasn't a mother supposed to love her only son?

Yes!

Did she?

No.

Throughout middle school and the first year and a half of high school, she pushed me. She forced me to be perfect. And if I wasn't, she would ridicule me.

Verbally abuse me.

Sometimes the occasional slap or shove into a wall.

Ever since, I blamed all my problems on my dad.

Ever since he left, life has been hell.

I was fifteen when I was sent here.

I spent my sixteenth birthday with Logan.

Logan had been my friend in middle school. I came in with a red mark on my cheek from my mom, and he was right there, with a pack of ice, asking me what was wrong.

It took me the whole year to warm up to him.

But it was one of the best things in my life.

We had always stuck with each other, helping each other.

To make my home life easier, he tutored me.

To make his school life easier, I set him up with some girls.

It was just us.

When I entered high school, it was like my mom couldn't stand me anymore. If I wasn't perfect, and let's face it, no one is perfect, she would verbally abuse me. Plain and simple.

And it was about two months into high school that I had started cutting.

Just a few cuts when it got too much.

I don't really remember who caught me. But I had managed to hide it until halfway through sophomore year.

I think it was my mom who caught me.

She had been extra hard on me, and I had walked into the bathroom and really just wreaked havoc on my arms.

I was in such a hurry, I didn't lock the door.

And it was that day she decided to be a good parent and follow me.

I was on the floor, clutching my blade, letting my arms bleed, when she walked in.

I was sent here two days later.

Two weeks after I was sent here, I met Logan in the office.

Sent here because he was caught on drugs.

He had been addicted to heroin since the beginning of sophomore year.

And I didn't see it.

I'm a lousy friend. A lousy son. A lost cause.

Well, I know that. I've known it since my dad left.

My mom yelled it at me at least once a week.

So when I saw the extra bulk on Kendall's wrist, the slight paleness, the anxious look in his eyes; I knew.

He had cut.

I have no idea why I went to him afterwards, though.

I guess…I couldn't let him go down the road I went down.

But why? Why do I care so much? Why does he keep popping up in my life? Why is he always on my mind? Why did I care so much about him?

Why, why, why fucking why?

Why does Kendall keep trying and asking me about the cutting? Whenever I get near him, and I've loosened up even just a little bit, he brings it up! He asks me, or like today, makes me promise to try harder.

I don't want to try harder.

I want to die.

Why can't he understand that?

I have nothing to live for!

Why can't he be normal and just leave me to slowly kill myself?

It's what everyone else is doing.

Minus Logan.

But Logan isn't everyone else.

He's…Logan.

But I get why I care about Logan. He's been there for me through a lot.

I don't get why I care for Kendall.

He just entered my life!

I shouldn't be worried about him thinking that cutting helps!

Even though it does.

But…eh. It depends on personal thought.

Because cutting helps for like a minute. But then you have permanent scars to hide from everyone.

Personal opinion.

You know mine.

I still don't understand.

Logan says it's because I like him.

But I _can't_.

It's just…not possible.

I'm straight. I was the ladies' man since seventh grade.

It kind of stopped when I entered this place.

But…I still found girls cute. And hot.

And guys a little bit repulsing.

But not Kendall.

I can't like him! It's not right!

And, even _if_ I did (notice the "_if_"), then I would only know that he was going to leave soon.

Because everyone I like leaves me in the time I need them most.

It's a fact.

And it's also a miracle that Logan hasn't left yet.

But I know he is. I don't know when, but he'll finally realize what a lost cause I am and leave.

So why do I even try? Why did I talk to Kendall? Why did I make him show me the cuts?

Fuck 'what ifs'. 'Whys' are way worse.

I just…why do I care so much? It kills me watching him be in pain, watching his eyes as he says he cut himself. Twice.

Two cuts too many.

It shatters my heart when he grips his head and falls to the ground.

It makes me want to cut again when he lies.

I hate it.

I hate the way he makes me feel.

But I love it.

I don't understand it.

He's like burning ice.

Complete opposites mashed together into one amazing person.

It sickens me.

Knowing that I care for him and yet God's just going to rip him from my grasp.

Sure, I believe in God, but he's a cold bastard who enjoys toying with people's lives.

He makes life unfair.

So yeah. I believe in him.

I just don't like him.

It was no wonder I punched the priest at my old church.

He was preaching lies.

That fucker.

I have to force myself to hold back from punching the nearest thing.

I can't have Logan finding me with crushed knuckles.

But I really want to…

I need to feel pain.

I need my blade.

God damn it! Why did they have to take it away?

So what if I didn't get better?

Did they ever think that I didn't _want_ to get better?

No. Because they're all assholes who want to control every single fucking thing they can.

They're all bastards, really.

Cut? Or break knuckles?

Tough decision. (Notice my sarcasm)

Too bad Logan took the blade.

But maybe he has something…

Damn! I can't believe I turned in his stash.

I could've used the needles.

Maybe he has something else.

Like his plastic pencil sharpener…

I never got why he used the wooden pencils…but now I'm glad.

There's a blade in the sharpener.

I just need to break it.

And lie to him and say I left it in the library and when I went back to look for it, it was gone.

He can get a new one from the office.

I walked into our dorm, smiling at how Logan wasn't there, and immediately went to his side.

I opened his binder and took it out.

How was I going to break it?

There were rocks outside.

I shoved the pencil sharpener in my pocket, heading outside and discretely grabbing a rock before walking back to my dorm.

No one would know.

I set the pencil sharpener on my desk and whacked in with the stone.

Three more times and the blade was lying there in the plastic shards.

I grabbed it, throwing the shards into the trash can under some papers, before holding up the blade.

I quickly dragged it across my forearm, enjoying the feeling of blood bubbling at the surface. I repeated the action.

Finally, some relief.

Fuck my promise to Kendall.

Fuck Logan's promise, too.

Fuck everything.

This was all that mattered.

This was my savior.

This was what made life worth living.

After four cuts, I raided Logan's stash of bandages, taking the already open one and wrapping it around my wrist before hiding my blade.

Where, though?

Laptop wasn't an option.

He's already found the hiding spaces in my toiletry bag.

My phone.

He never checked my phone.

I quickly detached the battery and put the blade there, reattaching the battery.

No one but me would know.

And now I can finally cut again without anyone knowing.

So what if Kendall cut himself?

So what if he found out I crossed my fingers when I made the promise?

He was going to leave me anyway.

Logan was already getting better, now that he had Carlos.

He was going to leave me soon.

Everyone else was bound to, too.

It was fate.

You can't change fate.

So why do I feel like sobbing?

Why do I feel the need to go tell Kendall everything? To ask him to never leave me? To help me?

Why can't he just stay out of my mind?

Too many questions.

Not enough answers.

I don't like it.

But who said life was fair?

A lot of people…but they were all fuckers.

They just don't understand.

No one does.

No one will.

It's just the way things are.

Can't change it.

No matter how much I fucking want to.

**A/N:**** So, this chapter was actually really fun to write. I feel bad saying that, but it was. I like this chapter. Getting inside James' head. It's mostly his thoughts about how he's confused and angry and lost. At least, I hope it came across like that… And James is cutting again. He always seems to find a way, lol. I wonder how Kendall will find out…? **

**And me, the loser, just noticed that there is a story out there called Anywhere But Here by falling into your sunlight (Great story, too) and even though it's a different song, they have the same title! And it's about Kames, too! So, I'm _SORRY_! I had no intention of writing a story with the same name. So please forgive me. :) Well, I hope you liked it! Ah, you all probably hate me now, lol. Putting James through so much! XD Please, review?**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:**** Oh my gosh! My mom has been hovering over me and bitching to me about EVERYTHING and I'm SOOO sorry I couldn't get this out sooner. I'm finally alone now and I have my new laptop (YAY!) and so here it is. Anywhere But Here chapter nine. Oh my gosh I cannot believe this…NINE CHAPTERS! And you guys are so sweet and thank you so much for all the reviews! I love you all! I'll let you get to reading, lol. (Look! It's a line thingy!)**

**And OH MY GOSH! I forgot to mention that BaronOfDenmark gave me this idea! I'm so sorry I didn't mention that before! DX UGH I'm stupid! I'm sorry.**

* * *

><p>Chapter Nine:<p>

I don't get why we come here.

So what if Kendall's stuck in here? It's his own fault.

Not mine.

So why do I have to come here?

Mom makes me.

When we walked in, Mom immediately runs over to him and gives him a hug and gushes about everything.

I stand in the back and nod at him.

I can see the hurt in his eyes.

I don't care, though. He got himself into this. He let himself become like Dad.

I didn't want him to go insane. I didn't want him to turn into what he did.

I just wanted my brother back.

The one I had when Dad was still around.

Supposedly caring for all of us.

Dad leaving really tore us apart.

I mean, Mom and I are really close.

But Kendall just…he went insane and got himself locked up in here.

Wow, I'm making it sound like a prison.

But it sort of is. Kendall's said that in one of his texts.

Sure, there's a part of me that wants to run over to him and hug him and cry into his shoulder. I want him to wrap his arms around me and whisper lies into my ear. I want him to cry with me.

I want my Kendall back.

He's still in there.

But the bigger part of me wants to yell and scream at him.

I just shut my mouth and nod at appropriate times.

I know he sees the emotions in my eyes.

Eyes are the door to your soul. He said so himself.

I can see all the hurt in his.

My mom sat beside him on the couch, gripping his hand like there was no tomorrow. She asked about how it was here. How he's getting along with everyone. If he had made any new friends. Who he hung out with. Stuff like that. Stuff that's not important.

Stuff I could give a rat's butt about.

I'm not allowed to swear, since I'm only ten years old, but I could really care less.

I act thirteen.

Kendall swears a lot.

His old friend swore like a sailor.

I'll have my time, though.

I was brought back to reality when my mother gently tapped my arm.

"Are you ok, Katie?"

I nodded and stood up. "I'm going to the bathroom."

She nodded and turned back to Kendall.

I walked out of the lobby and down the hall on the right. I didn't really have to go. I just needed to get out of there.

Somewhere along the way, something tall and tan smashed into me.

I quickly stood up off the floor, dusting my jeans off, before spitting, "Watch where you're going, buddy."

The boy looked up at me from the floor.

And oh my God.

Tall, like 6'2", tan like a piece of caramel, wearing black skinny jeans and black boots and a black long sleeve shirt, the softest looking lips, flawless face, aviator sun glasses, and the softest looking hair. All types of brown mixed together. Dark brown with caramels as highlights from the sun.

He was hot.

Enough said.

He was one of those pretty boys my mom always points out on those Dillard's posters.

I scowled at him.

He smirked and stood up. "You have a nice attitude."

I rolled my eyes.

What a bastard.

"I like it. People like you are the type of people who get far in life."

I narrowed my eyes at him. What the heck was he trying to do? Hit on me? He looks Kendall's age!

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

He knelt down in front of me so he was a little shorter than me.

"I want to be a manager. For idiots who need a good manager."

He smiled. "You're going to be a good one. I can see it."

"How?"

What was up with this dude? What was his _problem_?

"The eyes give away a person's soul."

"Is that why you're wearing sun glasses inside?"

"Precisely."

"Who are you?"

He smirked. "James Diamond. And you are?"

"Katie. Katie Knight."

I saw him swallow roughly. "Who are you here for?"

"Kendall Knight. He's my brother."

"Shit." I heard him mumble.

"Do you know him?"

He just stood up. "I need to go."

"Nuh uh! No you don't! You need to tell me what your problem with my brother is!"

"Have a nice day." He nodded before running off down the hallway.

What a weirdo.

I turned back towards the lobby and walked in and sat across from Kendall in one of the plush leather chairs. "Who's James Diamond?"

Kendall's head snapped up and his face paled. "What?"

"James Diamond. Who is he?"

Kendall bit his lip. "A friend."

Mom immediately looked up at the thought. "A friend? Well, tell us all about him!"

"I don't talk to him much."

"But if he's your friend-"

"We just don't talk!" Kendall exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

I saw Mom sigh and nod before standing up. "We should get going. Katie has a doctor's appointment."

Kendall nodded, wearing a scowl on his face.

Mom started walking towards the door and I followed, only to notice that boy, James, standing in a doorway.

I scowled at him. He only gave me a stern look and pointed towards Kendall. I turned and looked, seeing him still sitting there with a frown. I looked back to see him giving me a "Don't make me come over there" look. I turned back towards Kendall and sighed.

This is a bad decision.

I ran over to him and threw my arms around him, burying my head in his shoulder. "I miss you."

"I miss you, too." He answered, wrapping his arms around my form.

When he let go, I saw him with an actual smile on his face that reached his eyes.

Even Mom was tearing up.

I waved to him and ran to my mom. I looked at the doorway to notice James gone.

Where was he?

I shook my head and walked after my mom towards the car. I guess I should just act normal around my brother. It brought the old Kendall back.

I really wanted him back.

I smiled and stepped into the car, looking back at the building as we drove off.

"That was a nice thing you did there. He misses your hugs."

"Really?" I asked.

She nodded. "He doesn't like it when you act weirdly around him. He said it makes everything worse, knowing you hate him."

"But I don't hate him!"

"You never did anything to deter him from that until today."

I looked down. "I never meant to-"

"A lot of people have different intentions that contradict with their actions. A lot of people don't mean to do things they do. That doesn't matter too much when the deed's been done." She looked at me before turning back to the road. "He still loves you. And forgives you. Maybe next time you can be more supportive, ok? That hug made his day."

"It did?"

She smiled. "Yeah! Did you not see that smile on his face?"

"I saw it."

"It made his day."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't tell me that. Tell Kendall."

I rolled my eyes and grabbed her phone. I opened New Text Message and typed in Kendall's name before actually typing a message.

_I'm sorry, Kendall. I love you. –Katie._

The phone buzzed back after a few minutes.

_It's ok. I love you, too. –Kendall_

I set the phone down and looked at my mom. "Where are we going?"

"Doctor's appointment. I wasn't lying about that."

"Really? I hate the doctors!"

"Well too bad. You have to get your shot."

I threw my head back against the seat. "Ugh!"

I heard my mom laugh before turning on the radio.

I hate the doctors.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**** Well, short chapter. I know. But it was Katie's POV. If you never caught the drift… Well, I'm in Virginia/DC area and I won't be updating as often this week. But, here's this chapter. A filler, I know, but still. It gives you an inside look on Katie's point of view and how she feels about everything. Oh my gosh…I really need to transfer all my BTR photos to this laptop and set it up…ah…I hope you liked it! Hahaha I used the line divider things! XDXD Yep. **

**And I don't like this chapter much. I don't know. I just don't like it. It's choppy, I know. And it was just kinda written quickly and I'm sorry if it shows. Forgive me? Review please?**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **** CHAPTER TEN! AHH! Ok. Spaz attack OVER. Ugh. My best friend in the whole wide world, a guy, well, we've been best friends since like I was 7 and at first we hated each other and now we're inseparable (sort of) but he's moving. But the part that makes me so angry is the fact that I think we're sort of falling for each other (I know I have) and it's just that nothing's ever going to happen and…Everyone, including our parents, can tell that we're the type of best friends who are going to end up. But so far it's not happening and he's acting weird. But I'll stop boring you with my cliché, non-existent love life. Anyway! I'll let you guys read. Remember, actions are past, thoughts are present. It's a longer one. As a gift. ;) **

Chapter Ten:

The visit was…different.

I mean, Katie hugged me.

_Hugged_ me.

Hugged _me_.

She _never_ hugs me.

But how did she find out about James? It's not like she's psychic nor has all-knowing voices like I do.

She's still normal.

Did she run into him?

That would be the logical answer.

Am I logical, though?

Fuck no.

So what do I do?

Go after James and ask him everything? Or do the logical thing and go to dinner?

I think you know the answer to that.

I walked through the field and headed straight to James' dorm.

I needed to talk to him.

So what if he didn't want to talk to me! I was going to talk to him.

I needed to know what happened between him and my sister.

Even though I'm pretty sure that nothing really happened. They probably just talked. I mean, Katie looked happy when she mentioned him.

_Happy_.

It makes me sick.

He gets her happiness. I get her hate.

The fucker.

Why the fuck can't he get off my mind? I hate it! It's like I can't even go a minute without thinking about him.

Maybe I should try…

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, oh look. It's his dorm.

I arrived at his door and opened it, frowning when I heard a gasp and a clank. I looked around the room to find James clutching his foot, sitting on his bed.

"What happened?"

"Go away."

"No. What happened?"

"Go away."

"Not until you tell me what happened."

"You scared the shit out of me and I stubbed my toe! And it hurts. Now go away!"

"Don't you…like…like the pain?"

He rolled his eyes. "Not this type. Now leave."

I rolled my eyes before sitting down beside him. "Let me take a look at it."

"Why?" He gave me a look.

I shrugged. "To make sure it's not broken."

He frowned but let go of his foot, extending it hesitantly towards me. I quickly set it down on my lap before touching the toe. "Does this hurt?" I asked, still touching it.

"No."

I squeezed it. "That?"

He hissed. "A little."

"How about this?" I bent it.

He shook his head.

"It's just bruised. You're not going to die."

He rolled his eyes and tugged his foot back.

"My sister mentioned you when she came back from the bathroom. I had never mentioned your name to her or my mom."

He nodded. "Ran into her. Talked a little. Nothing much."

I nodded. "She actually gave me a hug today."

"That's great."

I frowned. "You haven't gone back on your promise, have you?"

He cocked an eyebrow. "No." That's when I noticed…his sun glasses were off.

"Then can I take a look at your wrist?" I saw his hazel eyes widen a little bit.

"No!"

"What's there to hide if you haven't gone back on your promise?"

"I don't like advertising my scars! Why are you here, anyway?"

"I don't know."

"Well then can you leave?"

"No!"

"This is my dorm! And I don't want to talk to you!"

"Why not?"

"I just…I don't want to!"

"Liar!"

"Well, what am I supposed to say? Just go away!"

"James! Stop pushing me away like you're pushing Logan away! I know you crossed your fingers on the promise! I saw it with my own eyes! I just want to make sure you don't hurt yourself again!"

"Well I didn't. So bye." He quickly shoved me off the bed and towards the door. He pushed me through it and slammed it shut.

"God damn it, James!" I growled, trying the knob to find him standing against the door because there were no locks on the dorms. "I just wanted to make sure-"

"Well you have! So go away!" came a muffled reply.

"No I didn't! I never saw your wrists!"

"So what? Take my word for it!"

I kicked the door before storming down the hallway, past an agitated Logan. I threw the door open to my dorm before shutting it again.

Why did I have to be so interested in James? Why did I have this need to know everything about him? Why was he hiding stuff from me?

Why, why, why fucking why.

Recognize the saying?

It's a catchphrase of sorts.

My Dad used to use it when I was younger and before everything went downhill.

Might as well start using it again, eh?

But I'm serious.

James is just so…so…infuriating and…and…and…James!

I guess he's addicting, too.

I can't really get enough of him.

Especially when I want to throw him against the nearest wall and kiss the daylights out of him.

Can't do that, though. He would kill me with one of the various objects he continues to find so he can cut himself.

You know, shouldn't Logan be sure not to have any sharp things around James? Because, if he did, then James wouldn't still be cutting!

Maybe I could talk to Logan about him? But he was in his dorm…_with_ James…I could also talk to Carlos…but dragging him into this wouldn't be fair. But he's my best friend in this place…

"Kendall?"

Logan would do.

"Yeah, Logan?"

"What happened between you and James?" He sat down on my bed.

I shrugged. "I don't really know."

"I found him on his bed crying. Something happened." He gave me a look.

A shot him a glare. "Why don't you ask him, then?"

"I tried!" He sighed loudly, throwing his hands in the air. "Come on, Kendall. In order to help James, you've got to tell me what happened."

I stubbornly put my face in my hands.

"Kendall, accept the fact that you're not the person who James is going to tell everything to. You can't save him by yourself. Trust me, I've tried. Just…tell me what happened."

"He's cutting again." I mumbled, looking down.

Logan raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know with what, but I saw the fresh bandages. And the pale look about him. He's cutting again."

Logan frowned. "How?"

"I don't know."

"What happened between you guys in there?"

"Why?"

"Just tell me!"

I sighed. "Well…my sister had mentioned his name to me in our visit…and so I wanted to talk to him about it, you know? But when I knocked on the door and opened it, he stubbed his toe. So I checked it to make sure it wasn't broken, and then I kind or brought up the cutting thing…and he threw me out…" My voice turned into a whisper.

"Oh."

I nodded.

_Smart answer, Logan. Completely logical._

Shut up, voices.

_But nerdy here doesn't know anything. He's just like you. Alone._

I'm not alone.

_Failures; left to fend for themselves…crazies…_

We're not crazy.

You_ are. You have fucking voices. You talk back to me. You're falling in love with a fucked up kid who will never love you back. You're insane, admit it. You turned to cutting, just like James did. You're going to be a level two soon if you don't get better. And let's face it, you're not going to as long as I'm here._

I will get better.

_False hope._

No…I will.

_Don't even bother. Remember what happened the last time? Right after Dad left, you tried to make everything better. You failed. You're a failure. You ruined people's lives, Kendall. You have no place in the real world because you hurt everybody._

But…I don't…

_You hurt Katie. She hates you._

She hugged me.

_So? Lying is as easy as breathing for some people. You would know that._

I don't lie.

_You don't lie my ass._

It was once…

_It was _way_ more than once._

Stop it.

_Why? You're a lying thief. Stealing your best friend's mother's thousand dollar necklace just for money._

I had to…Mom and Katie…

_And you lied to everyone. You turned it in for money and lied to everyone and said you got the money from working on someone's yard._

No.

_Face it, Kendall. You hurt everybody. You ruin lives. You are your father._

I felt someone touching my shoulder, trying to shake me. I lashed out, trying to get the person off of me.

I couldn't have someone touching me.

_Of course you can't. They'll just get hurt._

Stop it!

Get off of me!

I felt myself yelling and crying. Why couldn't it stop? I just want to be alone!

Why was someone pinning me down? I need to get out! I need to be away from everyone! I need to stop hurting everyone! Get off of me, you idiot!

I felt a pinch in my arm. What the fuck? They're trying to kill me! The voices sent them!

Why can't I fight anymore? All I can see is blackness…blackness…so deep…

_**~Line break~**_

"Kendall?" I heard someone ask. "Kendall…?"

"Wha?" I mumbled, opening my eyes only to close them.

Why the fuck was it so bright?

I opened my eyes again, squinting as I got used to the harsh lighting.

"Kendall…are you ok?" I looked over to see Logan.

"Yeah. I'm in a hospital, tied to a bed. Of course I'm ok." I said, straining against the restraints holding me down. "Why'd they pin me down?"

Logan sighed. "That was a stupid question, I know. And you were fighting. Getting violent. I don't think you were completely in control of your actions. So they had to pin you down."

"What happened?"

Logan patted my arm. "Well, we were talking when all the sudden you zoned out. You ended up falling to the floor, sort of in a half-conscious state. I had tried to wake you up and I had called the nurses already, but you were fighting us. So they ended up sedating you."

I leaned back against the pillow of the hospital bed. "I don't remember anything."

"What?"

"I only remember the voice…right after we talked…but I can't remember anything after I fell to the floor."

Logan looked down. "They also found your scars." He nodded towards my wrist.

"Shit. Really? It was a onetime thing."

"They don't know that."

"Well, what did they do?"

"You're going to be under watch for today and then they'll release you. You're classified as a Level Two now."

"No." I stared at him.

"I'm serious."

"No! I can't be!" I struggled against the restraints. I needed to get out of there.

"Kendall, calm down." He spoke softly, pushing gently against my chest.

And all the sudden, I didn't want to struggle.

"Massage point that relaxes people. I do want to become a doctor."

He would make a good doctor.

I felt my head loll to the side so I was facing him. "Why am I a Level Two?"

"Violence, cutting, voices."

I turned my head back so I was looking at the ceiling.

"Great."

He nodded. "It'll be easy for you to make it back to Level One. Just need to prove it to them in the next few weeks that you're still good. It might be a onetime thing."

"They're just not taking any chances."

"Right." He patted my arm. "You should get some sleep, ok? Either Carlos or I will be here when you wake up."

I smiled lightly before waving to him as he walked out.

Great. I am as screwed up as my voice tells me.

**A/N:**** Tada! I hope this was a surprising twist you didn't expect! LOL I'm watching the Kendall episode Without A Trace. I'm only watching Kendall scenes, lol. I hope you liked it! Review please? Oh my gosh. I cannot believe I sent Kendall to Level two. How do you guys feel about that?**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:**** Well, I'm in such a bad mood due to my horrible love life and crap and yah. Rejection sucks. But I did get my first kiss! XD That was really the only up part of that night, lol. So, yep. Bad mood? Check. Gorging myself in sweets? Check. Writing Fanfiction? CHECK! I've started going to band camp and will probably have like NO time for updates, which sucks. And then high school's gonna be starting and everything will be so hectic. Oh well. I hope I can get through it! XD and a MAJOR shout out to ****BaronofDenmark****, who made me a story just to make me happy. I LOVE YOU! Anyways, I'm gonna let you guys read now.**

Chapter Eleven:

It's been about three days since I got out of this place's little 'infirmary'.

I've been hanging around Carlos still, and Logan's been sticking with James.

It's like they're not dating, even though they are.

Funny thing, though, is that there has been talk of Logan moving to Level One.

Which is great and all, you know, for him. But it makes it worse on me.

He and I will have to switch rooms so I'll be with a fellow Level Two and he'll be with a fellow Level One.

I can't have that.

I can NOT room with James.

Just…no.

Can't happen.

It means contact.

I don't know if I can handle anymore James Diamond contact since the last incident.

Luckily the voice hasn't bothered me at all. Sure, it's given me a few math answers, but that may very well be the good voice in my head. It's hard to decipher which one is talking.

I walked into the cafeteria and got my food before heading over to my usual table.

Dak and Camille had finally admitted to each other their feelings and kissed. It was about time, you know? Jett and Jo haven't really made any progress, though. Jett continues to talk to himself. Jo just sits there and picks at her food.

I think she's becoming anorexic. Or depressed again. I can't really tell. I might consult Logan on that one.

And yes. I can use big words.

English is my thing, you know?

I sat down at our table, shooting a sad smile towards Jo. She looked at Jett before rolling her eyes and sending me a smile back.

God, I wanted to slap some sense into that boy.

Hmm. No wonder I'm a Level Two.

Thing is, though, is that I'm the only Level Two at this table now.

_Great_.

Carlos bounded up to his usual seat beside me, plopping down and slapping his hands on the table. "Guess what!" He breathed out, smiling like an idiot.

"What?" Jo asked, resting her chin on her hand.

"Logan's officially a Level One!"

No.

Damn it.

You couldn't have another break down, Logie?

"That's great." I mumbled, pushing my food around.

Because, well, knowing for sure that you're going to room with the person who infuriates you the most kind of makes your appetite disappear and your mood tends to plummet.

Just a weensy bit.

"Thanks for all the enthusiasm, Kendall." Carlos said, smacking my shoulder.

"You're welcome, Carlitos."

He blushed and looked down.

Camille decided to but in. "Uh…so you guys going steady yet?"

Carlos blush, if possible, turned redder. "Uh…not yet…"

"Come on!" Dak smiled, joining in as well. "You should ask him to be your boyfriend."

"Yeah! You two are positively adorable!" Jo grinned. Luckily, the conversation seemed to have brought her out of her slum.

"But…I can't!" Carlos whined, pouting.

"Well, I suggest you do, since we're going to be sharing a room." A voice whispered suddenly in Carlos' ear.

I turned to find Logan holding a sheet of paper and smiling.

"Logan!" Carlos exclaimed, standing up and hugging the pale boy.

"We're going to share a room!" Logan smiled. The grin dropped suddenly as he turned to where I was still sitting. "It's against rules here to be sharing a room with someone not in your Level. I don't know why, it just is. So..." he trailed off before kneeling down and whispering softly, "take care of James for me, ok?"

I nodded. "I will. Feel free to check up any time."

He smiled softly. "Want to move our stuff after dinner?"

I sighed. "Sure."

"Hey. This is your chance to get close to him, alright? Take it or take it."

I rolled my eyes. "I guess I'll take it."

He smiled. "Good answer." He turned to Carlos. "And yes."

Carlos looked at him strangely. "What?"

"I'll be your boyfriend." Logan smirked before walking off in the direction of another table.

Carlos turned around, looking at me before breaking out into a ridiculous happy dance. "I got him! I got him!" he chanted, smiling at seeing the corners of my mouth turn up.

"You were bound to, Carlos. Just…be safe, ok? They sell condoms here, I think."

Carlos scowled and smacked my arm roughly, but a blush was painted across his face. "We're taking it slow!"

I rolled my eyes and replied, "Sure you are."

He scrunched up his nose, trying to hide his smile, but I caught it as he turned away. "I see that smile, Carlos!"

He turned back and scowled before breaking into a grin. "One of the things I sometimes hate about myself…I can never hold a grudge for longer than five minutes."

"That's a good thing, Carlos. It means you're quite easy to work with when it comes to arguments. Less fighting. Or…more fighting that just gets resolved quicker. Either one." I sighed. "It's a gift. Enjoy it. And sorry I rambled."

It was his turn to roll his eyes. "You're a natural born leader and speech maker, Kendall. It's a gift. Enjoy it. Or else the voices will get you." Carlos laughed, seeing as I made a face.

"Using my words against me, eh? Well, we'll have to see what comes of that!"

He gave me a look.

God, he's dense.

I quickly poked his rib cage, laughing in delight as he shot out of his seat. "Kendall!" he screeched, standing up and holding his side.

"I'm gonna getcha, chop, chop, chop!" **(1)** I chanted, standing up menacingly.

He squealed and started running, only to have me following him.

I ended up losing him somewhere in the library, so I decided to head to my dorm and start packing.

_Better do it now rather than procrastinate_, my mother always said. Seems so long ago, though. Still, it was good advice.

Once I had all my things packed into my suitcase again and the bed was made and everything was orderly, I left my suitcase by the door and exited.

I really didn't have any homework, since I had finished it all in French today. Not listening to anything and doing homework really does work. And then copying off of Camille works even more.

Until she catches you and slaps you.

But it's totally worth it, considering now I have no homework.

The problem is now I have nothing to do.

Except inconspicuously run into James and talk with him.

That would occupy a lot of time.

Or I could go scout out for Logan and Carlos.

But I'd rather not.

I walked down the corridor towards James' dorm, knocking lightly. I heard a light "come in" and opened the door, smiling at seeing James laying face down on his bed.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked lightly, smiling.

He growled and raised his head to glare at me before letting it fall back onto his pillow. "I'm sharing the dorm with you now," he grumbled. But due to the pillow, it came out as "Mm cheering ma derm wit you no."

I laughed and sat on Logan's clean bed, noticing everything all packed up already. "I guess someone's happy about that."

James raised his head, shooting me another glare. I swear, if looks could kill, James would have murdered me about one million times by now.

"Logan already packed, huh?"

James nodded into his pillow.

"Do you think he would mind if I moved his suitcase to Carlos' room and I moved mine into here?"

James shook his head.

I nodded and stood up, taking a hold of Logan's suitcase and wheeling it down the corridor to my old dorm. I left it by my old bed and took my suitcase wheeling it (more like dragging it. I was, indeed, headed for my doom) back to my new dorm.

I sighed as I set it down, looking back over at James. "You just are going to lay there?"

I heard a growl.

I'll take it as a yes.

I turned back to my suitcase and started unpacking my things, frowning at an old picture of me and my family.

My mother, my father, Katie, and I. It was Christmas day, my mom was smiling on the couch, Katie was holding a fuzzy blanket close to her, my dad was on the side and smiling (just had run from behind the camera), and I was grinning and holding my new hockey stick.

Those are the days that I really miss. The days where I was naïve and oblivious to all the bad and wrong things in the world.

It isn't like that anymore.

I don't really know what happened after that, but soon I found myself in James' arms.

"Shh. It's ok. It's the past now." He whispered into my hair.

I guess I had started to cry, and I soon found myself sobbing into James' shoulder.

I swear to God this kid is bipolar.

One minute growling like an animal, the next hugging me.

I soon as I calmed down, I felt him let go and walk to the door. "I'm going to dinner. Want to come?"

I looked up at him and slowly shook my head. "I still need to unpack."

"Come on. If you don't want to sit with me, you can sit with your group. I don't care."

_See, Kendall? James doesn't care, so why should other people care?_

Bad choice of words, James.

I felt myself stand up. "Of course you don't care! Let me guess. This whole comforting was just an act! So let me tell you this: stop putting up this little act because I know deep down you hate me. And if you were hoping to get me hurt in the process, keep doing what you're doing because it's working quite well!"

He looked down. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, James. You should have learned that years ago when your father left you."

That was stupid to say.

I shouldn't have said that.

James looks like he could murder me.

"Don't you dare bring my father into this."

I took a step closer to him. "Why not? It's the truth."

He took a step closer so we only had inches between us. "Your own father must be proud of you."

"Don't bring him into this. He was and is nothing to me." I growled.

"Sure he is. That's totally why you got so angry at the fact." His eyes glowered. "You're just like him, I bet. A stupid asshole."

That did it.

I slapped him hard across the face.

He stepped back from the force, gingerly touching his cheek. He winced when he applied pressure before looking back at me.

"Fucker," he muttered before turning around and slamming the door.

I threw myself on the bed and buried my head into the pillow, feeling the urge to cry.

_James can even see the truth about you, Kendall. He knows the real you now and will never love you._

I don't love him.

_Whatever gets you to sleep at night._

Go die.

_I can if you find a blade and kill yourself._

Which reminds me…I should really search through James' stuff for a blade.

Or anything sharp, really.

I push myself off the bed and trudge over to my open and almost empty suitcase. I put away the rest of my things before looking at James' side.

He seemed to be one of those neat freaks.

I mean, who keeps their room _that_ organized?

I heard his phone go off, and I looked at the door. I opened it and looked up and down the hall before declaring silently that the coast was clear.

I walked back inside the dorm and towards his desk, where his phone was.

It seemed pretty cool. Touch screen with a flip open key board.

I picked it up, and looked at the new text message from Logan. _Wont be at din. Out w/ C._

I frowned. Wow. They actually were pretty close, James and Logan.

I heard a bang come from our neighboring room, and I dropped the phone as I jumped.

When I looked back at it, I saw the battery had fallen out.

I reached to put it back together when I saw another glint.

A blade.

I was right.

He was still cutting.

That…that…James.

I quickly reattached the battery, but kept a hold of the blade.

James was not getting this any time soon.

Where to hide it, though?

I could put it behind the picture in that picture frame of my family.

Or I could get rid of it.

I say get rid of it. So I won't have the urge to cut and James can stop.

But where?

Logan always works.

But he's out with Carlos.

Or maybe I could just…

Flush it.

I snuck out of the room and headed toward the bathrooms, where I entered one of the stalls.

I threw the metal piece in and flushed it down.

I was not letting James cut again.

It was just not going to happen.

No matter how much he infuriated me.

**A/N:**** Didn't really know where to end it…so sorry about that. But I know this chapter probably seemed weird. (it did to me, anyway) So…sorry, again. But I hoped you liked it! It was fun to write.**

** Sorry it got out so late, though. Marching Band camp is SO hard. Ugh. My ankles feel weird and my feet KILL. I can't even walk. LOL, but still I scream GO AIR ACADEMY! Yep. WOOO! LOL small school, AWESOME marching band! XD**

** Ok. Enough of that. I hoped you liked this! Leave a review for me?**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:**** Ok. I'm on Chapter 12 and the Kames hasn't really started yet. I mean, the unidentifiable (long word…) feelings have (well…unidentifiable for James. At least Kendall knows but denies it), but like no kissing whatsoever! And quite frankly I think at least **_**something **_**should happen, you know? Well, thank you all for the reviews! I greatly appreciate them! And I just got a Crush package that had BTR on it. XD I'm gonna enter. LOL. And, the quote (it's underlined) in this chapter is from Supernatural, which is an amazing show! The episode it's from is the one about Cal, the angel. And the religious part is my own view on stuff. So, don't like it then hate me for it. I don't care. It's just a personal view. But please, enjoy…**

**BTW it's in James' POV…**

Chapter Twelve:

Everything was fine.

Everything was going to be ok.

Everything was peachy keen and normal.

Everything was a lie.

A lie only stupid and naïve people believe.

Something everyone but me seemed to believe.

Well…I guess they're all just stupid and naïve!

Wow. That statement held, like, no conviction whatsoever.

That's what this stupid place has turned me into! No longer am I the confident and stunning and amazing James Diamond. No longer am I the ladies man, the guy who doesn't cry or break down, the guy who would surely never turn to cutting. No longer am I the kid who would never fall for a guy.

I hate myself for it.

I hate how Kendall makes me feel.

I know what it is. I just don't like it.

I hate liking him. It just makes me want to push him away even more. Why? Well, the people I actually let in end up hurting me more than pushing them away ever could.

So there you have it.

I like Kendall.

Big whoop.

Right?

But sharing a room with him is stretching a little far. I mean, what did I ever do to God?

I'll tell you my stand with the big man upstairs.

Sure, I believe he's there. But, going to church is crap. If he was truly humble and crap then he wouldn't want us to go to church to "worship" him. And he doesn't help; he sits there on his little thrown watching everything that goes on. Swear words…they're just words. I'm not what people would consider religious, but people, especially my own mother, do not seem to understand that.

And I hate it.

Hate how everyone just can't seem to grasp how much I can't stand it.

I walked through the courtyard, looking for a nice, quiet place to sit. This was our supposed free time, where we could do whatever.

Well, if this was a true free time, I would've been long gone and out of here.

Because, it's simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it.

Now, if only other people understood that.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, turning me around. I turned to face the face of my friend, Logan. "Yes?" I asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"You haven't done anything rash, have you?" Logan asked me, giving a pointed look.

"Now why would you think that?"

"Well, we're not sharing a room and you tend to do rash things when I'm not around."

"No I don't! And what does rash mean, again?"

"Doing stuff without considering the consequences!"

"I don't do rash things!" I growled, staring him in the eye.

"Yeah, you do! You're impulsive, just like Kendall and Carlos!"

"And you're not, Mr. Let's Get High?"

Logan's eyes went cold. "Don't bring that into this."

"Oh yeah? Why not? It's true."

"I don't do drugs anymore."

"You struggle with withdrawal."

"So what? James…I know what you're trying to do."

"What, then? What is my clever, evil plan that you have finally figured out?"

"You're just trying to push me away. You insult people and tear them down so they don't like you anymore and leave you alone. It's what you want."

Uh…thank you, Captain Obvious.

"No…really?"

"I'm not going to let you push me away."

"That's great, Logan." I waved him off and start walking away.

"James, I'm not done with you!"

"Of course you're not." I muttered, continuing to walk.

I heard him sigh as his footsteps behind me stop. When I finally turned around, I saw him with Carlos holding hands and walking and in a very animated conversation.

Way to tell your little boyfriend all of my problems, Logan.

I walked back to my dorm room, opening the door to find Kendall gone.

Good. I could use a cut right now.

I took my phone off my desk, opening up the back and shaking it.

Nothing fell out.

I turned it over and gasped.

The blade's gone.

I distinctly remember putting the blade in here.

Where is it?

I need my blade.

I need a little savoir to take me away from time to time.

Where is it?

Wait…just calm down, James. Keep calm and look for the blade…

I quickly go through the whole dorm, even looking in Kendall's stuff for it.

What if Kendall took it? What if he found it and is going to try to be a good friend and try to stop me? Why the fuck would he try to do that?

I'm a no good, low life, cutter who can't seem to get anything right. Why would he want to try to save me from myself and take the blade away from me?

The only good answer would be because he cares for me.

Who the fuck would want to care for _me_?

My dad sure didn't.

So why would Kendall?

And why the hell am I getting hope from that one statement?

I flung myself onto my bed, pushing my head deep into the pillow and screaming.

I could really use that blade right now.

If I could find it.

I heard the door open and shut before hearing someone clear their throat. I lifted my head at the sound and turned over, groaning at being greeted with the sight of Kendall with his arms crossed.

"Looking for something?"

What?

He gestured to the room, which was still pretty organized except for the fact that there were a few things astray.

I blushed and looked away. He could not know.

"Well, you're not going to find it."

…What?

Wait.

The blade. He knows. He got rid of it.

"What?"

"I found the blade, James."

No. No, no, no, no, no.

"Someone texted you and it rung and I picked your phone up. I accidently dropped it and the blade flew out. I flushed it, James. You're not going to cut yourself on my watch."

You fucking idiot!

"Why the hell did you go into my phone? You don't see me answering yours!"

He bit his lip. "I can't let you cut anymore."

"Why not? It's none of your business."

"I care about you, ok? I want to help you through this. And if being your roommate was a sign from God that I could help you, then I'm taking it! I'm not letting you cut again."

"God has nothing to do with this. He's a hypocritical bastard."

"Whatever. Doesn't mean you need to cut." He had taken a step closer to me.

I took a step towards him. "I still need to cut."

"James!" He exclaimed, getting in my face. "Stop saying that! You don't need to cut! You only think you do but you don't!"

"Why the fuck would you care? We barely know that much of each other and all we do is fight and-"

"I like you!" Kendall growled, turning away from me.

"What?" What was with the guy and confusing me?

He took a deep breath. "Nothing."

"No…" I said, taking a step towards him. "You said you liked me."

"No. I didn't. I…I didn't say anything."

"You're a terrible liar."

Why was I having so much fun with this?

Embarrassing Kendall is pretty damn fun, though.

He turned back towards me, taking a step back at my proximity. "So what if I like you?"

"It means you like me! And you're sharing a room with me! And you're gay!"

He scowled. "Well, if you hate me so much why don't you just go right back to cutting yourself? How about I just let you go kill yourself and sit back and enjoy the show, huh?"

I bit my lip, looking down.

"Exactly. Now, I have somewhere to be." He turned and walked to the door.

Before he had a chance to open it, though, I was there and blocking his way.

"Wait…Kendall…I'm sorry…"

"For what?" he laughed a little demonically.

"I just am." I sighed, opening the door and shoving him through it before closing it.

This can't be happening.

Where's a blade when I need one?

There's like…no sharp things left.

Wait…

I have that little compact mirror…

I walked swiftly over to my suitcase, digging deep into the hidden pocket in the back.

I never used this thing anyway.

I took it out and smashed it onto the floor, smiling when a piece of mirror broke off. I picked it up and held it lightly before tugging up my sleeve and putting it to my wrist.

Here's my chance to cut again.

Here's my chance to forget everything and make the pain go away.

But I can't do it.

I put the piece of mirror back into the hidden pocket and sighed.

I just couldn't do it knowing that Kendall cared for me.

It made me sick.

I would feel guilty if I cut myself.

Because I liked Kendall more than I should.

And I just feel the need to not disappoint him.

And if he found out, he would surely hate me.

I don't want him to hate me.

But I can't tell him I like him…if I did that, then he would suggest we start dating…and that just means he would end up stealing my heart and making it hurt even more when he left me and realized what a piece of shit I am.

I can't handle all this.

I settled for just throwing myself onto my bed and sobbing into my pillow.

It's a stereotype when people say grown boys don't cry.

If grown boys didn't cry, then they wouldn't be grown.

I could really use that mirror piece right now.

But I wouldn't be able to handle the guilt.

I hate guilt. Hate it.

I just choose to continue sobbing into my pillow.

Crying lets you get everything out of your system.

Letting the tears pour down your face, your eyes shut tight, the pain wracking through your body…

It helps sometimes.

This time isn't really one of those times.

**A/N:**** I'm meh on this chapter. It seems a little too…I don't know. I just don't love it. But Kendall did admit to his feelings. James has finally accepted his feelings. James is feeling guilty about cutting. Everything looks to be getting a little better, right? James has hope now! IDK. It might go a little downhill and everything go horribly wrong or something. I'm not sure. Anyone have any ideas? If you do, feel free to leave it in a review! XD review please for me? **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:**** Guess who is updating! MEEEE! Whelp… Apparently **_**Sum1cooler**_** is scared of me (Mwahahahaha!). That makes me happy in a VERY evil way. XD And a major thanks to all my reviewers (over 200? Holy shit!) Especially **_**MerielTLA **_**(who gave me an idea that'll continue this story on for a while) and **_**BaronofDenmark**_** (who gave me the idea for this chapter). Thank you all! *does Kendall's happy dance* yeah! Ok. I wasn't sure whether to do this is James' POV or in Mrs. Knight's POV or Kendall's or what. So…I'm a gonna switch a the a POVs up a lot a! Yep. Hope it doesn't seem horrible. Well, here it is. It's gonna be Mrs. Knight's first, then James', then Kendall's. Capishe? Caposh.**

**And OMG. I've been looking at BTR pictures…and haven't you noticed that James likes to wear long sleeves? And most of the time if he's wearing short sleeves, he has something on his left wrist or his wrist doesn't show very much? Makes you wonder… ;)**

Chapter Thirteen:

…

I walked into the main building of the mental institution where my son was staying at. It was okay, this place. I would have maybe done hard wood flooring in here instead of carpeting…and maybe done the walls a nice light green…and the decorative style of the whole place could use some work…

But that's nowhere near the point. Katie didn't come today. Instead she voted to stay at a friend's house so she wouldn't have to deal with the insanity.

I have strange children.

Katie has problems with anything close to a hospital. I'm not sure why, but it's probably due to what happened when she saw her father dead on the hospital bed.

Kendall has problems in general since my husband died. He just…went a little crazy, I guess.

I was greeted by an older man at the desk at the front of the visitation room.

"Hello, miss. Here to see your son again?"

I nodded.

"Well, he's in class right now. But he will be heading back to his dorm in a few minutes. Would you like to wait there?"

I smiled. "Sure."

"It's dorm 173."

"Thank you." I nodded politely before heading down the hallway to the left that connected with the dorm building.

When I arrived at the dorm, I sat down on what I assumed was Kendall's side, waiting for him to arrive.

…

I smiled as I walked out of the French room. I hated French. I mean, I was freaking Italian and I spoke fluent Italian! Why the hell did I have to take French? Showing up when the teacher took attendance and leaving right after was just what I needed.

And I needed to get away from Kendall.

He had told me he liked me.

And now I'm feeling guilty that I never answered.

And I've been avoiding him, too.

But…what's that got to do with anything? Pssh…nothing…

I threw open the dorm door, jumping about two feet high when I hear a small scream.

And there, sitting at Kendall's desk, was his mother.

"Uh…hi…" I said, placing my bag lightly on my desk.

"Hi…are you Kendall's roommate?" She got up and walked up to me, putting out her hand.

I nodded and stuck out my hand. "James Diamond."

She grasped it and shook it twice before saying "Jennifer Knight, but you can call me Mrs. Knight."

I smiled at her before taking a step back and scratching at my wrist. God, why did it itch so much? Is this withdrawal? "Do you want me to go get Kendall? He's still in class…"

"And why aren't you?"

"I skipped…"

She smiled and shook her head. "It's fine. I would actually like to get to know you more. Are you friends with Kendall?"

"Sort of…"

She took a seat on Kendall's bed, motioning I should sit on mine. "What do you mean by that?"

I sighed. "Uh…"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm his mom. I'm not going to tell him anything you say, ok?"

I nodded. "We just got off to a rough start and ever since…it's just gotten complicated."

She nodded. "Katie seems to like you."

Katie…Katie…oh. His sister I met the other day…

"Yeah. She's pretty cool." I scratched at my wrist again. Damn bandages are itchy, man!

After a few pauses, she spoke up. "What are you in here for?"

I felt myself tense up.

"You don't need to tell me! I was just trying to make conversation. It would be nice to know one of Kendall's…frenemies."

I smiled. What a nice term to put our relationship in. "It's fine…just kind of took me by surprise." I took a breath. "I'm actually in here for self harm. Not something normal people do, apparently."

She smiled, and then all the sudden she was by me on my bed and giving me a hug. "It's ok, sweetie. I know how you feel."

"You do?" I cocked a disbelieving eyebrow. She nodded and tugged up her sleeve, where a few thin lines lay.

"When I was younger, I went through a tough time. We all do. We just handle it differently. Luckily mine never got out of hand."

I don't really know what happened after that. But soon after she showed me her own arm, I couldn't help it.

I started sobbing into her shoulder.

What the fuck was up with me and crying lately?

"I h-hate it! Th-the need to d-do it."

"I know, sweetie." She whispered, stroking my hair.

So this was what it was like to have a caring mother.

The thought just made me cry even more.

I felt myself curl into a ball, hugging her close and crying. This was what it was like to have a maternal figure there for you. Someone to hold you when you cry. Someone who would gladly point you in the right direction.

Someone who would cry with you.

When I was done, I wiped my nose on my sleeve and pulled away. "I'm sorry."

"For what, honey? It's only the human nature to cry." She smiled softly, brushing the hair out of my face.

I shook my head. "No. It's not."

"What do you mean?"

"My mom would have never let me cry. My dad wasn't even there for me. I'm not supposed to cry." I whispered, burying my head in my hands.

She tugged me closer to her, rubbing my back softly. "Sweetie, it's alright to cry. It's completely normal and it's good for you."

I shook my head, having a few tears escape. I quickly fought back the oncoming tears again, pulling back and taking deep, shaky breaths.

She pushed the hair out of my face again, smiling at the smile that came across my face. "You can tell me anything, if you just need to get it off your chest. I'm not going to tell Kendall. I promise."

"I…its ok. Thanks for the offer, though."

"You sure? You look like you could-"

"I'm fine." I stood up, walking over to the door. "I should go; Kendall will be here any minute."

She nodded. "Take care, will you?"

I nodded, opening the door. I saw Kendall standing there, a confused look on his face. I quickly walked past him and out of there. I didn't need to talk to him while his mom was there.

…

Why the hell was James talking to my mom?

Why did he look like he had been crying?

Why was my mom in my room?

"Kendall," she said, holding her arms open. I smiled and walked towards her, wrapping my arms around her frame in a hug. "I missed you."

"Missed you, too, Mom." I replied, pulling back. "What were you talking to James about?"

She smiled. "How he was liking it here and about you a little bit."

I tensed up slightly. "Me?"

She nodded. "He's a good friend to have, Kendall. I'm glad you sure a room."

Well, I'm not exactly glad to sure the room.

"Well, how's Katie doing?" I changed the subject.

The conversation went on like that. Mostly discussing Katie and what's happening before moving on to how I like it here and all that.

When she left, I quickly walked out of the dorm, looking up and down the hallway before heading outside. After looking around, I deemed the library a good place and started my search for James there.

I was done with the whole avoidance thing.

I found him at a table in the back, working on what I presumed to be homework that I probably already finished.

I walked up to him and cleared my throat, gaining his attention.

"James…can I have a word with you?"

He swallowed but nodded, motioning for me to sit down across from him. I sat down, folding my hands together on the table. "What did you and my mom talk about?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Stuff that stays between me and your mother."

I sighed, exasperated. "Then answer this. Why have you been avoiding me?"

"I haven't." He said, raising an eyebrow.

I raised both of mine. "You haven't my ass."

He rolled his eyes.

"Is it because you actually have reciprocating feelings or because you feel awkward?"

When did I get so confident in the romantic genre?

James turned back to his homework.

"James."

He looked up. "Look. What am I supposed to say? 'Oh, Kendall! I like you, too! Let's get married!' No. I'm not ready to do anything-"

"Because you're scared of losing me."

He blushed and scowled.

"I'm right, aren't I?" He looked away. "James, I'm not going to leave you."

"Sure you aren't! You're just like my dad, Kendall. One minute telling me how much he cares for me and how he'll never leave me and the next he's walking out of my life forever." James spat out, standing up.

"James-"

"No."

"James…"

"No."

"James!"

"What?" he whirled around.

I smashed my lips to his, tired of his constant negativity. This boy needed to learn to be more optimistic. What shocked me was the little spark I felt, tingling my lips before traveling up and down my spine.

I felt him push me away before wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "What the fuck?"

"James…" I whimpered out. Nice going, Kendall. Way to be confident and not look like a total heartbroken fool.

"I need to go." He whispered, not really making any move to walk away.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't like me. Do that and I won't bother you anymore."

He shook his head. "I can't."

I smiled a little. So he did like me.

"I need to go." He turned around and walked away.

I sighed, collapsing into a library chair and holding my head in my hands.

Why did that kiss feel so good?

**A/N:**** Shorter chapter, I know. And sorry about that. Kind of wanted to get this out. Once again, I'm meh on this chapter. I don't know why. Just am. But I hoped you liked it and are gracious enough to review? Thanks!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:**** I lied to some of you. Number one, I'm way too lazy to rewrite chapter 13. Number two…I'm way too lazy to rewrite chapter 13. XD Well…ambition is just a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. I have sense enough to be lazy. XD I hope this chapter makes up for it. It happens to be the shortest chapter, though...I think. Oh well. I really have like only a faint idea of what's going to happen. I already have the end planned out, lol…it's just this stuff in the middle. And OMG. Going through Tumblr and I see this picture of James looking like he's grinding against Kendall onstage. Ugh. I'm serious. I need to post the link on my profile to show all of you the amazingness. And I think James needs to get a tattoo. Like, you know that air brush tattoo he got? It needs to be real. Just that one. If he really did get it (like Kendall) I would die. And they could make like a whole show about how James went out and got a tattoo. Yeah. Perfect show right there. James becomes bad boy and gets a tattoo. Oh well, enjoy.**

**Ahhh…nothing to put you in a better angst mood than The Vampire Diaries soundtrack. XD**

Chapter Fourteen:

I needed to get out of there.

Now.

I needed my blade.

Now.

I needed it again. One time just wasn't enough.

So what if James likes me? He doesn't care.

He hates me. I know it. I'm not stupid.

I guess this is what it feels like; needing something to get rid of the emotional pain.

It works, though.

So well.

Fuck life. I need something sharp…now.

Why did I have to flush the blade? I could have used it. I could have hidden it and used it to dig into my own wrist-

Where is a blade?

I scratched my wrists, walking around kind of aimlessly, looking for anything sharp or shiny.

I heard a crash behind me and whirled around. The librarian was looking down at a broken vase she must have knocked over.

I rushed over, smiling at her and sweeping the pieces up into my hand.

Perfect.

Just needed to keep one.

I dropped them in the rubbish bin, hanging on to one of the bigger pieces and slipping it into my pocket.

"Thank you, Kendall. That was sweet of you." The lady smiled.

"No problem, Miss Martino. It was the least I could do. I couldn't have you getting a cut from the glass."

She smiled, believing my façade. I quickly said my goodbye, walking away stiffly.

I practically ran to my dorm, ignoring the calls of Carlos when he saw the look on my face.

_Ignore him, Kendall. He's not going to help you._

I know that.

_You're not going to help yourself, either._

Fuck you, voice.

I knew Carlos was probably following me. I didn't care, though.

I wanted to cut.

I was going to cut.

I started running, throwing the door to my dorm open and slamming it shut. I put a chair under the handle so they wouldn't be able to get it open. I pushed the heavy chest in front of my bed in front of the door as well. I couldn't have them coming in.

Not when I wanted to die.

I looked around.

James wasn't there in the room.

Thank God.

I sat down on my bed, taking the piece of glass out.

It glinted in the sunlight.

Beautiful.

Deadly.

Mine.

I pushed it into my wrist, moving it in a line. I gasped, feeling the pain erupt in my wrist and watching the blood flow out.

One cut.

I lifted it, replacing the glass somewhat higher on my wrist and repeating my previous action.

Two cuts.

I clenched my fist, dragging the glass across my forearm this time.

Three.

James still doesn't care.

Four.

I still remember my shitty life.

Five.

I still remember James.

Six.

I felt the edges of my vision go blurry and I swayed till I fell backwards onto the bed.

Is this what dying feels like?

I half-heartedly dragged the piece of glass one more time. Why did I do this again?

I heard another crash and the door opened a little, only moving the chest about four inches.

I felt someone patting my face, gripping my wrist, screaming at me.

Stop it, person. I want to die.

_Just like your father._

I want to die just like my father.

_Because you're a failure._

I know I'm a failure.

_You don't deserve to live._

I don't want to live.

Ignoring the person screaming at me to stay awake, I let the blackness over come me.

Maybe I would die.

I hope I die.

I hope so…

**~Line break~**

"Kendall?"

I opened my eyes.

Damn. I'm alive.

"Kendall?" I looked over to see Carlos.

Carlos?

"Oh, Kendall." He cried, throwing his arms around my torso and sobbing into my chest. "It's been three days! We thought you were going to die!"

I stroked his hair softly before lifting him up. "I'm fine, now."

"Fine is an ambiguous word." **(A/N: This is from It Only Hurts. I give credit to MerielTLA for this.)**

I raised an eyebrow.

"Logan taught it to me."

I nodded and looked around. "Am I in the infirmary again?"

Carlos nodded. "What caused this mental break?"

I shook my head and looked away. "Nothing."

"Kendall, if it was nothing, they wouldn't be sending you-"

"Carlos!" A voice cut in, opening the door. Logan stepped in. "Sorry. Wanted to bring you some food."

I nodded. Where were they going to send me, though?

I took the food, munching on it silently. Maybe I could become one of those people who don't talk. It would make life a lot easier.

"Now, can you tell me what caused this?" Logan asked.

I shook my head.

"Kendall." Carlos stated.

I shook my head again.

"Kendall!"

"I don't want to, ok?" I yelled out, putting the tray of food on the side table.

"And why not?"

"Because!"

"Because is not a reason." Logan said, standing up.

"Tell me where they're sending me and then I'll tell you."

"You tell us first."

"Why?"

"Because!"

"Because is not a reason." I smirked, seeing Carlos face palm.

"Please?" he gave me the puppy dog face.

I sighed. "Fine!" I saw him smile. "I told James I liked him the other day and he avoided me and three days ago I kissed him." I scowled.

"And he rejected you?"

"Sort of."

"What do you mean?"

"He…I told him to look me in the eye and tell me he didn't like me…but he didn't. He just walked away."

"I told you!" Logan yelled out suddenly, slapping the back of Carlos' head.

"Told him what?" I asked.

"We bet to see if James liked you back."

I slapped Carlos over the head. "Idiots!"

"Hey!" his hands flew to his head.

Logan sighed. "Kendall, he likes you. You just needed to give him time to accept it."

"Needed to? What's that supposed to mean?"

He bit his lip and looked away. "That's part of the thing we were going to tell you."

"You mean where they're sending me?"

"Kendall. I'm not sure you're going to have a chance with James. They're moving you to Level Three."

No.

**A/N:**** MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Who would've thought? Well, short chapter. With a cliffhanger. You probably want to kill me now. What do you think is going to happen? What do you want to happen? Have an idea? Leave a review and tell me! I love hearing your feedback and thoughts. And this story is so fun to write. This thing is my baby. Just like my iPod and Laptop. LOL. XD I'm off to post that link on my profile thing…ugh that's such an amazing picture. Well, alrighty then. Ideas, thoughts, guesses as to what happens...tell me. :)**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: AHAHAHHAHAHHA**** hello and welcome to chapter fifteen (Holy crap…) of Anywhere But Here. Uh….I'M SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING SOONER! I hate high school. A little. So far. And I've accepted my addiction to the Kames on Tumblr. It's what fuels my addiction here. So many pictures, so little time. Ugh. I'm on Tumblr too much now. Thanks a lot, people. And thanks to **_**fall into your sunlight**_** for the idea you kind of unknowingly (I think) gave me. **

Chapter Fifteen:

I hate myself.

Well, I had always hated myself.

Now I just despised my whole being.

I had sent Kendall to Level Three.

Level Three.

Level.

Three.

Only the crazies go there.

He's no crazy.

I could really smash my head against a wall right now. Or cut. Either would work wonders. Too bad I can't because of the stupid Kendall guilt.

It's fucking eating me alive.

I hadn't seen him in weeks!

Ok, that's over-exaggerating. It's really been three days, but still.

Too. Fucking. Long.

There's really only one thing I can do.

It's been done before, but it's a strenuous task. (Hahaha learned that one from Logan)

The Leveling of kids here was done by the computer system. All I needed to do was get in trouble, be sent to the principal's office, have Carlos or Logan distract him and make him leave the room so I can get on his computer and hack into it and make Kendall a Level Two again.

Who's crazy?

_*sing song voice*_ I am!

I walked into the hallway outside my pretty empty dorm, pulling my phone out and shooting Carlos a text.

_Meet me in the courtyard by the main building._

I was quickly sent a text back. _Why?_

_ Because!_

_ Fine!_

I smiled and continued walking, nervously glancing about. How was I going to get in trouble?

I ran up to the tan figure in the courtyard.

"Carlos!" I exclaimed. "You were fast."

"And you were slow. Now what's it that you need?"

I could tell he was pissed at me. Probably for putting Kendall in Level Three.

Wasn't my fault!

Ok…it was…I'm not even kidding myself on that one.

"I need to get Kendall out of Level Three."

He stared at me before bursting into laughter.

Asshole.

"Come on! I know how to do it! I just need your help."

"With what?" He calmed down a little.

"I need you to be a distraction." I quickly told him my plan, using my hands to emphasize my words. It was a thing I did…I talked with my hands.

"Um…ok…how are you going to 'get in trouble'?"

"I was hoping you would have a few ideas…"

He sighed dramatically before pulling out a sheet of paper. "Here's a list."

I took it and looked.

Back sass a teacher.

Graffiti on the walls.

Curse out a teacher. Or principal. Principal would be better.

Get into a fight.

Scream at principal.

Prank a teacher. Or principal.

Scream in general.

Break a window.

Sing obnoxiously.

Taunt principal.

Have a temper tantrum in library.

Slap a teacher, the principal, a security guard, or another student.

Threaten a bossy adult.

Holy crap.

There were even more.

What did this kid DO in his spare time?

He rolled his eyes at me. "Choose one already!"

"I think I'll curse out the principal. He already hates me."

He smirked and nodded. "Good choice."

"And when I'm in the office, after about five minutes, I need you to knock on the door loudly and scream and when he tries to grab you and pull you inside…run. Hopefully he will follow you."

"What if he doesn't?"

"We're screwed."

"Good plan."

"Logan would have made it better."

"Oh yeah. Why didn't you call him instead?"

"He's got a big project due."

"And you don't?"

"I finished it."

"When?"

"A while ago."

"Did you put a lot of effort into it?"

I stared at him.

"Exactly."

"Exactly, what?"

"You did a half-assed job!"

"I always do a half-assed job!"

Carlos rolled his eyes. "Whatever. When are we getting started on this?"

I looked at the sky. "In three…two…one."

I looked towards the entrance of the main building, where the principal head honcho was exiting. I smirked as I called, "Yo, asshole!"

Carlos backed away from me, wide eyes, and ran. He was making this thing look real.

Good.

I continued smirking as the principal stomped to where I was. "Excuse, me young man?"

"You heard me, old man."

"What did you call me?"

"Asshole, asshole."

I saw his nostrils flare and I couldn't help but smile. "To my office. Now."

"Why? You just gonna take me there and fuck me while you lock the door?"

He forcibly grabbed my left wrist and practically dragged me to the office.

And damn…that hurt.

Because, well, when a person cuts themselves, it's usually pretty obvious you don't grab their wrist.

It'll open up the wounds and bring pain and really just get the kid scared and even more addicted.

Because, so what if the pain felt good? This guy was shoving me in his office! And his hand was red from my leaking blood.

Asshole.

"You fucker." I snarled at him, pulling down my sleeve and checking the damage.

Only two cuts reopened.

Oh good.

"James Isaac Diamond. How dare you speak to your principal like that-?"

I tuned him out, looking around the office. Where was Carlos?

I felt a hand forcibly grip my chin, snapping my glare right back towards his ugly face. "You look the adult in the face when they are speaking to you."

I threw the hand off, rubbing his spit off my cheek. "You ain't exactly an adult. Nor are you speaking to me. Contrary to your belief, you are fucking yelling and spitting at me."

He growled. "Don't back sass me."

"I'll do what I-"

"AAHHH!" A scream was heard, followed shortly by some pounding on the door.

I looked behind me and smiled as I saw a flash of Latino skin.

Good old Carlos.

The principal growled and went to the door, slamming it open. "What is your problem."

"Come get me you fucker!" Carlos screamed, prancing and skipping just out of reach of the principal.

The principal laughed and shook his head. He was just about to turn inside before I slammed him out, shutting and locking the door of his room.

Carlos was doing his best to distract him, dragging him away while screaming profanity.

I love that kid.

In the friendly, brotherly way.

I checked the window one more time, seeing that they were both gone, and then I ran behind the guy's desk. I threw myself into his stiff chair and turned on his computer.

A password sign came up.

I smiled before typing in something.

_Password._

Password declined.

Damn it.

_I'm amazing._

Password declined.

I hate this.

I looked around his desk.

Pens, pencils, secret hatch thing.

Wait.

Secret hatch thing.

I smiled as I pressed on it, laughing as the drawer opened up to reveal a bunch of post cards.

With freaking alligators on them.

_Alligator._

Password accepted.

Yes.

Idiot.

I searched the computer quickly, opening up his little catalog of the students and their categories and Levels and what not.

Scroll, scroll, G, H, I, J, K.

Here's the K's.

Now for Knight.

Kasson, Kamder, Kendit, Kit, Knight.

Here.

I clicked on his Level and typed in Level Two.

Clicking save button…

And boom.

Kendall's a Level Two again.

Big deal.

Now how much time before he gets back?

I smirked as I exited out of it. Maybe I could…message it to them. Like an old messenger boy.

Easy as pie.

I took out a note, writing in the principals awful scratches before signing it in his horrible signature.

I was good at copying signatures.

Don't ask.

I got up, shutting the computer off, and unlocked the office door. I quickly ran over to Level Three building, running inside and ignoring the stares I got from the workers.

Where do I go?

I've only been here once!

And it was because of a dare!

I rushed over to the main desk, handing them the paper. "I need to take Kendall Knight back to his Level Two dorm. There was a mistake in the system that sent him here."

The man stared at me before taking the note and reading it with skeptical eyes. He handed it back to me and said, "He's in room 102, up the stairs and to the left."

I nodded my thanks and rushed up the stairs, ignoring the angry looks from the staff/nurses.

I needed to get to Kendall.

I needed to apologize.

I needed him back.

I looked at the numbers above the doors, stopping as soon as I hit room 102. I knocked, hearing a soft 'Come in' on the interior.

I pushed the door open, and was greeted by a surprising sight.

There was Kendall, lying on the bed, reading a hockey magazine.

"James." He scowled darkly, putting the magazine on his nightstand.

"Kendall, please, before you say anything, let me talk."

He frowned but nodded.

"I'm sorry I never really replied or did anything and indirectly sent you here. I was confused and thinking and I didn't know what to do and I'm sorry. I…truth is I do like you like that. And I'm sorry for not telling you sooner."

He stared at me, his mouth agape.

"But I got you back into Level Two. I'm not going to tell you now, but I will tell you later. And I really want you back at the dorm and-"

I felt something on my lips.

That's when I realized…it was Kendall's lips.

Apparently he deemed it necessary to get up and kiss me.

Alright. I was ok with that.

I threw my arms around his waist, bringing him closer to me as I moved my lips against his.

He pulled back, a small smile gracing his face. "I…uh…you wouldn't shut up."

I smiled. "Need help moving your stuff then?"

He rolled his eyes. "Sure."

I pulled him closer to me. "James?" he asked.

"Yeah?"

"I need you to let go of me if you want to help me move."

I shook my head. "I'm sorry."

He nodded. "It's ok."

"But it's not! I made you turn to what I turned to! That's BAD."

He sighed. "It'll all be ok in due time."

I nodded, letting go of his waist.

What's funny, though, is the fact that I used to be like this before I started the self destruction.

Kendall brought out the old me.

And I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing.

**A/N:**** YEAH! Ok, well, James is OOC in this because the scheming and Kendall in general is bringing older, happier James back. And James reflects a little on that in the end. And sorry if this is a little rushed. But this James is more "Get on with it" rather than angsty James who's like "Drag it out as much as you can". So yep. I hoped you liked it! I probably won't update till next weekend due to school. but review please?**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:**** Whelp, as promised, it is the weekend and here is the next chapter. Well, I saw Phillip (James' brother) in a picture for the first time. I now wish James got Phillip's eyes. They were like smoky grey with dark blue. Beautiful. Oh well. And UGH. I just wish that Kendall would like fall on top of James on accident and they would have a moment where they realize they like each other and SOMEONE CAUGHT IT ON CAMERA. AH! Ok. I'm glad you liked the chapter! Ugh. People, this isn't ending THAT soon. Definitely not. There are like a bunch (or so) more chapters left. But please, enjoy.**

Chapter Sixteen:

James fucking Diamond.

He's going to be the death of me. Just you wait and see.

He sent me from Level One to Level Two to Level Three in the matter of weeks!

And then he brought me back down to Level Two.

I mean, that was sweet...but also gave me so much emotional trauma that I'm not sure how to deal with it.

He went from "Get out of my life" to "I don't like you like that" to "I really do like you".

Stupid idiot.

Can't help but like him, though.

He had already told me how he got me out of Level Three, and now I was moving back into my old dorm with him.

But what about the principal? Wouldn't he be a little surprised when he saw I was no longer in Three and he had no recollection of taking me out?

I mean, it was ok in Three, just kind of like a hardcore Level Two. But I do prefer Level Two better.

And plus, I didn't mean to cut. It was…spur of the moment. Like a resource you only use when you need it.

James was going to give me hell about that.

Well, I'm going to give him hell about his cutting, too!

I walked into our dorm, frowning a little when I saw its emptiness. I shrugged to myself as I went over to my laptop and started to work on homework.

I heard a knock on the door, so I got up and answered it. I smiled when I saw the familiar face of Carlos.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, hugging him and bringing him inside the dorm.

"Hey. How does it feel to be back?"

I sat down on the edge of my bed. "It's nice. Level Three was a little too intense."

He smiled and replied, "That's good!"

"So how much trouble did you get in for helping James?"

He shrugged. "That doesn't concern you."

I gave him a pointed look.

"Ok. I have detention for a month, but so what? My best friend and friend get to be together and happy." He smiled.

I couldn't help but laugh. "James is only a friend?"

He froze. "Uh…Well, I mean…uh…"

I rolled my eyes. "You guys will get closer."

He sighed, looking visibly relieved.

I frowned. "Do you think the principal will find out what happened?"

He shook his head. "Just don't cut anymore or draw attention to yourself, ok? The principal may be stupid, but no one is that stupid."

I nodded. "Ok. I will."

"So if you don't mind me asking-"

"Hey!" James suddenly waltzed into the room, smiling a small smile. Then he noticed Carlos. "Hi, Carlos."

Carlos laughed. "Hi, James." He turned back to me. "I'm going to go. Talk to you later?"

I nodded, smiling as he shut the door behind him.

James sighed and sat next to me. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"All the shit I made you go through."

I rolled my eyes. "Are you going to apologize every day?"

He smiled and nodded. "Indeed I am."

"Well, don't beat yourself up over this, ok? It was a onetime thing and I overreacted and it's never going to happen again."

"How do I know that, though? Kendall that was the second time you cut. It took me only two times to get addicted to it! How can I know you won't, either?"

"James…" I looked down. "I'm not addicted. It's just a thing to take me away."

"That's how I started out and look where it got me. Look, I know the voices have gotten you this far in the insanity, but that doesn't give you an excuse to cut, ok?"

"Well, then why did you do it?"

"Because!"

"You never told anyone, James! Plus, you got addicted to it! That means something HAD to start it! Tell me and I won't turn to doing that ever again. Ok?"

"Fine! I did it because I couldn't take anything anymore!"

I stared at the figure that had rose before me. He was breathing heavily, a scowl protruding against his features, and his fists where clenched.

"What?"

"I couldn't handle my perfect life. I couldn't handle the fucking verbal abuse from my mom. I couldn't take it. I turned to this."

"James…"

"Every day, I just got angrier. Seeing the blood flowing from my arm made me think all the bad thoughts were flowing out with it. That I was alright. But it came back. So I cut more often and ended up in this hell hole."

"James-"

"But you know what? I don't regret it because I met you. And I started falling."

What?

He sat back down on the bed, letting his upper body fall down so he was lying on the comforter. "I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. I truly am. But I'm not sorry for meeting you. I'm so glad we met. Because without you I would have probably made it to Level Three."

I stared at him.

What did he mean by falling?

Falling for…what? Or…who?

Me?

He started falling for me.

Like…falling in love?

Am I over thinking this?

"Kendall?"

I snapped out of my thoughts. "It's ok. I'm not going to cut again."

He looked at me and smiled. "Really?"

"Only if you don't cut again."

I saw his eyes widen and frown. "Kendall."

"No. I won't cut if you won't cut. That's the deal. Got it?"

"So what are you going to do if I do cut? Just blame yourself for not being there for me and let the anger and depression come out and find something sharp and do yourself in?"

I nodded.

"That's bull shit, Kendall. You're not going to do that."

"Then you're not going to cut."

"I'm not promising anything."

"Then you're getting no reassurance from me."

James groaned. "Whatever." He stood up and walked out, slamming the door.

Look at us. We're fighting. And we're supposed to be together.

I'm not sure if we are, though. I mean we kissed and hugged and crap…but we never confirmed anything.

I heard the door open, and looked up just in time to see James lean in fast. I felt his lips on mine, before he pulled back. "I'll try, ok?"

I smiled. "You better."

He took my hand. "See you later?"

"Deal." I whispered, smiling as he kissed my forehead and exited the room again.

As much as I hate the boy, I can't help but like him, too.

**A/N:**** I totally forgot what started James' cutting. So excuse that. I'm too lazy and don't have enough time to check again. And sorry for the shortness. Again, little time. I also need to read Treasure Island. AH! And another thing…Number one, James needs a tattoo. Number two, James needs to wear his black wife beater more often. Number three, James needs to wear skinny jeans MORE. Number four, Kames needs to happen. *angry face* but next chapter, heads up, some drama is going to happen! Cue the fights, tears, and broken mirror pieces. ;) LOL. I just gave it away but oh well. XD This story is not over yet. *evil troll smile* Mwahahahaha…review for the lonely writer?**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N:**** I KNOW. Late update. Ah. Well, the Hunger Games is coming out on MY BIRTHDAY! I'm so excited! Ah! Ok. And thank you for all the reviews! They mean the world to me! LOL. My friend and I created STI. Sexually transmitted Image. Means a sexual image transferred into the mind. I've gotten so many STI's from BTR. LOL. I'm such a closet perv. Oh well. I'll let you read. **

Chapter Seventeen:

I'm not really sure what happened.

One moment he's being ok, the next we're fighting.

Again.

Over the stupidest thing.

Math homework.

MATH.

HOMEWORK.

It turned from we got different answers to being stubborn to being compared to the quadratic formula (long ass and stubborn) to James storming off.

I don't get it.

Why do we fight so much?

I mean, we like each other. So…shouldn't we not fight?

I walked out of the library, angry and frustrated. Why did James have to storm off? What if he gets into something bad and-

What if he cuts again?

He wouldn't.

He promised.

I felt myself run into something and fell over, grunting at the pain in my lower back.

"Kendall?"

"Logan?" I looked up, and sure enough, there was Logan.

With tears in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" I asked, getting up and putting a hand on Logan's shoulder.

"I-uh…nothing."

"Nothing my ass. Tell me what's wrong."

"I haven't seen Carlos all day and…and he won't answer his phone…"

"He's fine, Logan. His phone's probably off."

"That doesn't explain where he is!"

"He's probably getting a load from the principal for get in trouble or something. He's fine, Logan."

He looked down, biting his lip. "Ok." Then he looked back up. "I saw James storm out of here. What happened?"

It was my turn to look down. "We uh…we…"

"Another argument?"

"Yeah."

He rolled his eyes. "How did I know?"

"Look, he took off, and I'm worried."

"About what?"

"Oh…I don't know…maybe he'll find something sharp and cut himself again!"

"He's not going to do anything like that. He likes you too much."

"Ok."

"Just give him some space."

I nodded. Maybe he wasn't going to cut.

**~Linebreak~**

I'm not sure what to do.

If I cut, Kendall will find out. Or hate me for it.

Yet if I don't, I'll break.

I can't break any more.

But Kendall won't find out. I'll make sure of it.

I walked quickly back to my dorm. Looking around and making sure no one was following me, and knelt down by the suitcase in my closet. Opening the secreting compartment, I quickly found the broken mirror.

Nice and sharp.

Kicking the suitcase back into the closet, I made my way over to where I was leaning against my bed. Sighing, I pulled up the sleeve to my shirt on my right arm, revealing the tattoo on there.

A tribal tattoo that meant freedom and trust and love. **(A/N: looks like that air brush tattoo he once got.)**

The things I most desperately wanted.

Placing the mirror just below the line of ink, I carved a small cut, tracing the lines of the black ink.

This tattoo was one of the many reasons I wore long sleeve all the time. Other than the cutting.

And I never took my shirt off either due to the one on my back.

Bloodied, broken angel wings.

I was rebellious, I was also drunk, and my emotions over came me as I went into a tattoo place and got them.

They represent getting beat down over and over but never giving up.

And they look pretty real.

I pushed the mirror a little deeper. The pain stung, sure, but watching myself bleed…it hypnotizes you. It's like bleeding away all your problems.

It's amazing.

I had forgotten the rush.

A third cut, this one shallow but longer. I threw my head back, breathing deeply.

Maybe I should end it there.

Maybe I should kill myself.

Maybe-

"James?"

Shit.

My head snapped towards the door, eyes widening at Kendall's hunched figure.

Damn it.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing my ass, James." He scowled.

You see, I was behind the bed, facing away from the door.

He couldn't see my arm.

He knew what I was doing, though.

He walked slowly over to my side of the bed, frowning at seeing everything.

He gently pried my fingers from the mirror, setting it down on the desk to his left. Kendall then wrapped my arm up, which also covered my tattoo, before walking back to his side.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I whispered.

"For not being enough." I stared at him a little bit. "I clearly don't make you happy enough. I'm sorry."

I tugged down the sleeve of my shirt before walking over to him and wrapping may arms around him. "You do."

"Then why?"

I sighed, holding him gently. "Because I'm selfish. You take away the world. This takes away the pain."

"I take the world?"

"You are my world. With you, there's no one else."

Kendall breathed in shakily into my shoulder. I could feel the wetness leaking through, but I could care less.

He's mine, so why would I care?

"James." He looked up.

"Yeah?"

He stroked my cheek. "Please try to stop. I'm begging you."

"Kendall-"

"Don't give me any more shit, James! I need you to stop!" He pulled away from me.

I finally looked him in the eye. "On one condition."

He stared at me.

"You be my boyfriend."

He broke into a smile, shaking his head and wrapping his arms back around me. "Deal."

"Seal it with a kiss."

He laughed his melodic laugh before laying his lips against mine.

**~Linebreak~**

"Carlos Garcia, to the main office, please."

I looked up from my desk, frowning at what the secretary said over the intercom. Why did they need me up there?

I stood up, gathering my items and walking towards the main building where the main office was. Walking inside, I was sent to the principal's separate area.

He was waiting for me with a scowl. "Mr. Garcia."

"Mr. Hodges."

"You're being sent home today."

The fuck?

"You've clearly progressed from when you first arrived, and we deem it that you're no longer needed here. You're leaving tomorrow morning at 10."

"But-"

"No buts, Mr. Garcia. You are dismissed."

I nodded, walking out of the room. I looked up to see Logan sending me a quizzical look from the hallway, and I smiled and waved. He rolled his eyes and motioned for me to follow him. I ran over to him and kissed his cheek, letting him take my hand and take me somewhere; probably the dorm room so he could have me all to himself.

He didn't have to know about me leaving just yet.

**A/N:**** Ok. This story feels a little draggy. Or…I don't know. There's like this one story that I'm getting bored with out there and I hate it and IS THIS STORY LIKE THAT? If it is, you need to tell me right away so I can fix that and make MORE happen. OK? Thank you! And thank you for all the reviews! And sorry if you don't like tattoos or something. Just…if you do, ignore them. They don't mean a whole lot in the story other than James got them to represent his feelings. OK? Well, sorry for the shortness. Most chapters will probably be like that now. But, ah. Review please? Thank you all so much! Remember, this is not the end! Nor is it really near the end end. LOL.**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N:**** Hey guys… I'm sorry for updating so late. Homework's been a bitch, and marching band is really time consuming, and homecoming dance was last weekend or something. UGH. And finally tumblr's being a little more Kames-y. and I'm thinking of starting another story. PLEASE SLAP ME. Ok. I hope this probably short and wimpy chapter makes up for that. and thank you all for the reviews! You guys broke 300. I give you all cyber cupcakes. :D**

Chapter…oh God what chapter is this? Uh…oh! Eighteen! I remembered. :D

Living without my drugs isn't exactly the best thing in the world.

Living without the thing that replaces those drugs is even worse.

Carlos leaving was like setting my recovery back three thousand steps.

I mean, sure, he's going to visit…

But that's not enough.

And stupid James and Carlos had taken away my heroine and now I have nothing to get high off of and get me away from this hell hole and-

_Oh my God, where is Guitar Dude when I need him?_

Walking down the hallway and turning to the left, I stopped myself in front of the door with the psychedelic beads hanging. I knocked twice before stepping back, frowning when Guitar Dude opened up.

"Logan, my man! What's happening?"

I just pushed him aside and walked in, letting him shut the door behind me as I turned around. "I need some more."

"Hmm?"

"Drugs. You still deal, right?"

"Yeah…it's just that it's been a while since you've come for some. I mean, since you and Car-"

"Just give me some damn drugs."

"James isn't gonna be happy."

"Fuck him."

Guitar Dude shrugged before turning around. After rummaging in a secret compartment in the wall, he pulled out a little kit that looked exactly like my old one. "Here," he said, handing it to me. "James gave it back to me the last time he caught you."

I nodded, pulling out my wallet. "How much?"

He shook his head. "They're still yours. I just hid them. No charge."

Smiling a little, I took the bag from his grasp and turned around. "Thanks."

"No problem." I heard before I walked out.

I walked back to my empty room, before sitting against the door so no one could get in. Taking out a needle and filling it with the fluid I treasured and missed so much, I set it down before strapping up my arm. After that was done, I injected the liquid happiness, letting myself become engulfed in what felt like liquid ice coursing through my veins and reaching my heart.

**~Linebreak~**

_Hows he doin?_

I sighed at the fifteenth text from Carlos. He was just all over me about Logan's health.

_I'm pretty sure he's fine._

_ C? Ur not sure!_

_ Calm down._

_ Go check on him._

_ Fine._

I locked my phone and put it in my pocket, walking out my dorm door. Turning right and walking a little ways, I gently knocked on Logan's door. After him not answering, I pressed my ear to the wood.

Inside, I could hear heavy breathing and light gasps. So, he was in there, just didn't want to open up.

I turned the knob, though, pushing on the door a little bit to find that it wouldn't budge.

The fuck?

I pushed it again and called out, "Logan?"

No answer.

Grunting, I leaned all my weight onto the door and pushed, smiling when it opened enough for me to slip through.

Only to gasp at the scene.

There lay Logan on the floor, shaking and smiling, a syringe lying on the floor next to another stash of what I presumed was drugs.

He started up again.

"Logan?" I whispered, kneeling down by him.

His eyes, once brown and lively, now where dead and dilated. He was smiling this creepy smile as he looked around. "So many…pretty colors…"

"Hey, Logan? It's me, your friend-"

"Shhhh!" he jabbed a finger at my lips, effectively shushing me. "I need to hear the voice!"

I sat down next to him. "Voice?"

"Carlos! He's talking to me."

"Carlos isn't-"

"Yes he is!" Logan growled, slapping my arm. "Now shut up."

"Logan, you're a little delusional 'cause you're high."

"I don't care! I'm happy! So why can't you be happy?"

"I am-"

"No, you're not!"

I frowned. "Logan, I think you should rest."

"Make me."

"I'll take you to the infirmary if you don't."

"No."

"Come on."

"No."

I sighed, gripping his arm and heaving him up. "Bed or Infirmary. You choose."

He grumbled a little before stumbling towards Carlos' old bed. "Um…"

He just shook his head, falling onto the dark comforters. "Mgh duhg."

I sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing soft circles into his shoulder.

Soon enough, Logan fell asleep, his breaths slow and even. I sighed as I tucked him into the bed before getting up and looking at the kit.

I shook my head, leaning down and picking it up. Logan wouldn't be seeing this again.

Walking down the hall to my dorm, I smiled as I felt my boyfriend's arms around me. "Whatcha got there?"

"Found this is Logan's room. He got high again."

I felt the boy behind me scowl. "Again?"

I nodded. "Hide it?"

He nodded, taking it and throwing it on his desk. "Later."

I rolled my eyes as he gently pushed me onto my bed. Climbing over me, he gently nipped at my ear lobe before diving down onto my neck and sucking gently.

"James!" I said, laughing at the slight tingle his kisses left, I took my phone out and sent Carlos a text.

_Found Logan with a stash. He was high. He really misses you._

I didn't get a reply back.

**A/N:**** Ok. Crappy chapter. I know. And I kind of purposefully left out the fact that it's Kendall's POV the second half even though it's obvious after Logan's scene. I wanted to have Kendall and Logan bond a little. So…here was them bonding. While one was high and the other was awkward. They'll definitely have more bonding time in the upcoming chapters. And maybe some Kames smutt? LOL. Ok. Well, any ideas? Leave one in a review. I love you all!**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N:**** Look who actually updated! I'm sorry for being loserish and stupid and not updating sooner. You can blame school for that. :/ here's a little chapter as a gift! (hopefully it won't be too short). I mean, it's close to 2000 words...which is good...considering my predicament...lol. Well, I hope this is ok. If you have any ideas, feel free to put them in a review. If I don't use them, I'm sorry. If I do, then YAY!**

Chapter Nineteen:

"James…" I whispered, feeling his lips reattach to my throat.

"What?" he whispered back, licking up my jaw before nibbling on my earlobe.

He's not even doing much and I can already feel my pants tightening!

"Doesn't room check come to our room in a few minutes?"

James groaned, lying down next to me. "Just act asleep."

I turned to I was lying with my stomach down, effectively hiding my slight bulge. I felt James bring the comforter up and around us before wrapping his arms around me. I heard the door open and shut my eyes, snuggling a little bit into James' warmth. I heard the lady chuckle at our position before shutting the door and leaving the room.

I sighed before gasping, feeling James' hand on my crotch, making me tense and my little friend pop up again.

I felt his hot breath on my ear. "Did you think just because she was going to check on us that we weren't going to continue when she left?"

I gasped again as he straddled my ass, grinding down and making me moan in appreciation. He leaned over again and asked, "Did you?"

"Yes!" I groaned out, feeling his cock grind into me.

He flipped me back over so he was straddling my hips now. I took the opportunity to grasp his hair in my hands and smash our lips together. I felt him smile before pushing his tongue into my mouth, poking around here and there and everywhere, making me arch up into him.

Smirking, he detached our hips and traveled down my body. Looking up at me, he whispered, "If you were DNA and I was an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes."

I burst out laughing, having to shut my eyes to try to hold my laughter back. After a few seconds, though, I could barely comprehend anything for something warm was tugging my erection.

I looked down to see James' mouth wrapped around my tip, and I couldn't help the moan at the look he was giving me. Suddenly, he dropped lower on my member, and all thoughts left my mind as I continued to watch him palm himself through his jeans and take me into his.

Feeling his tongue poke at the slit before tracing the vein on the bottom, I grunted. "I'm so close, Jamie."

"Shh," he popped off, kissing the tip. "I know."

He went down on my member again, and before I even knew it, I was shooting my seed down his throat.

He lifted off my softening dick, roughly palming himself through his jeans. I pulled him up and shoved his hand away, placing my hand there and finishing him off. Coming down from his high, he smiled at me and placed sweet kisses all over my face. I smiled back as he connected our lips in a loving kiss before pulling him so he was lying down on top of me.

"You won't leave me, will you?" I heard James whisper.

"Never," I whispered, hugging his body close.

"Good, because I don't think I would be able to handle that."

I felt him kiss my throat before his breathing evened out.

I placed a kiss on his head before falling asleep myself.

**~*Linebreak*~**

Gasping, I threw the covers off my body and looked around. Where was I?

Dorm room. Got it.

Where was Carlos?

Seeing the room half empty, I felt reality set in a little.

Fuck, he's gone.

Throwing my head back, I finally felt the headache in my mind. I got up and went to my desk, pulling out a container of Tylenol and popping two before sucking down some water from my half empty water bottle.

What had happened?

All I could remember was getting high-

And then Kendall came in.

God fucking damn it.

I heard my phone ring, so I turned around and picked it off of the night stand.

_From Carlos:_

_ How you doing? I heard what happened. _

I sighed, looking up at the ceiling as if I would find a good reply there before typing in a quick message.

_I'm fine, Carlitos. It was a slip up._

I sat down on the edge of my bed before glancing down when my phone lit up.

_Fine is an ambiguous word, Logie. I'm coming back._

I scowled before typing in my reply.

_No, you're not._

_ Yes, I am! I already called and asked if I could come back as a mentor._

I threw my phone across the room. I don't even know why I'm this angry. He was out, he was free, and he chooses to come back for me.

Was he delusional?

Why am I even being sad about this?

He's coming back!

Grinning, I flew across the room and picked up my phone. Wiping off the screen, I typed in quickly: _When?_

_ Tonight. _

I felt myself laughing as I ran out of the room, heading towards Kendall's and James' room.

"Kendall! James! Guess what!" I exclaimed, barging in.

"What?" I heard James groan from on top of Kendall.

"Carlos is coming back as a mentor!"

Kendall lifted his head shoving James aside a little bit so he could sit up. James grunted and pouted towards the blonde before lifting his head up, too. "Nuh uh. You're joking."

I shook my head and grinned, showing them the text message.

"Huh. That's great, Logan. I'm really happy for you." He smiled before yawning.

"Sorry I woke you up." I muttered, looking away.

"It's fine, Logan. Why don't you go get breakfast. We'll be down in five." Kendall spoke.

I nodded, leaving their room and heading back to my dorm room to wash up a little bit. After cleaning up, I walked down to the cafeteria and got in line by Kendall, who was already there.

"Where's James?" I asked.

"He's still doing his hair." Kendall chuckled slightly.

I nodded, grabbing a plate of Belgian waffles and dousing them with syrup and some powdered sugar. I saw Kendall get the strawberry pancakes and pour some syrup on them before taking me to his table. Sitting down by Kendall and Jett, I ducked my head at the stares I received from everyone that was still there. Dak and Camille had left this place about a week ago, and the only ones left were Jo and Jett, Kendall and James, and me and soon to be Carlos.

"Welcome to the group, Logan."

I smiled at Jett. "Thanks."

I heard a seat squeak against the floor and smiled when I saw James sit down by Kendall. He kissed the blonde's cheek, to which proceeded to turn red in the blush that was forming on Kendall's face. James laughed and asked, "What did I miss?"

So we all in turn took part in the conversation about homework and learning a different language.

Getting up off my chair to dump my food out, I heard someone come up behind me and cover my eyes. "Guess who."

"James?"

"No…"

"Kendall?"

"Nope."

The voice sounded familiar…

It couldn't be.

"Carlos?"

I heard a loud laugh ring out from behind me before the person turned me around. "Hi Logie."

I looked into his eyes, giving him a small smile. "Hi Carlitos."

He bit his lip before pulling me close to him and hugging the crap out of me. "I'm so sorry I left."

"It's fine. You're here now and that's all that matters."

He kissed my temple. "I love you."

Burying my head in his shoulder, I whispered back "I love you, too."

"Hey! Carlos!" I heard Kendall exclaim.

"Kendall!" He grinned, letting go of me and hugging Kendall. He smiled and nodded at James, for they still weren't close yet, as Kendall and I weren't as close yet, but James just smiled back and said, "Glad you're back."

Carlos took my hand in his and said, "What are we waiting for? I have a lot to catch up on!"

"You were gone for three days, Carlos!" Kendall exclaimed as James laced their fingers together.

"Still…I need to have a talk with my Logie-Bear."

James sighed. "We'll leave you two alone, then. We'll be in the library."

I nodded, before tugging Carlos towards our dorm, where I found his suitcase by his bed. I smiled before remembering what we had to discuss. "I'm sorry I slipped up, Carlos."

"It's fine, sweetie. You're still good, so that's all that matters."

I felt a few tears leak from my eyes. "It was just…so…hard!" I threw my hands to cover my face.

I felt his arms wrap around me. "I know. Don't worry anymore. I'll always be here and I'm not leaving until you are."

I looked up at him, smiling again. "Really?"

He nodded and pecked my lips. "Really."

**A/N:**** I hope that makes up for my extended absence. Sorry if it was choppy. I don't really have a lot of time. Have to write and memorize an oral report because I got a fucking lamo hag as a Lit and Comp teacher. Ugh. Oh well. I'm sorry for the lateness. Remember...any ideas you have would be so helpful if you left them in a review. :P and please tell me if you feel like this story is dragging a little bit. XD Review please?**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N:**** Hey everybody! Early update. I wanted to tell you all that this story will end when they leave the asylum. Then I'll do an epilogue/sequel where they get picked up and go through the motions with slip ups and things. Like, their lives through Hollywood and hiding their pasts. Like? And sorry I didn't reply to reviews. Just that some of the reply links wouldn't work. :/ But yeah. And this story probably isn't going to get any more dementedly angsty or what not. I do have some little…uh…out there ideas for other stories that might suit your…uh…needs. Well, to your reviews, thank you all so much! And I'm going to be posting summaries on my profile (I think) of my upcoming stories that are really only ideas right now. XD well, this is Carlos POV (holy shit…) and then James' POV. Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

Chapter 20:

Why did I agree to do this?

Being a mentor was so. Much. Work.

UGH.

I mean, I had to accompany group therapy sessions and help out in the library and-

I should've just acted insane again.

That would've been work, though…and Logan would have been pissed at me if I did that.

But…why was this so much work? Oh my God!

I mean, it's all worth it because I get to dorm with Logan again and keep him happy. But I can't help it if I'm lazy, you damn librarian!

Ok, that sentence wasn't the best comeback considering I can help it if I'm lazy…but I'm no Logan who knows super duper smart words and I'm nowhere near James' sass or Kendall's witty retorts.

Walking down one of the book isles in the library, I shoved a book in appropriate place before looking at the next cover and letters on the side.

Harry Potter.

The book that started it all for Kendall and James.

What started Logan and me off? I think it was Kendall.

Hmm. I'll have to thank him for that sometime.

After I take Logie on a date and make him go back to his happy highs instead of drug highs.

That's what I call them at least…happy highs.

It works.

Shoving the Harry Potter book next to the others in the series, I turned around and promptly knock into something warm and hard.

A body.

Looking up, I noticed soft looking brown hair and slightly covered the eyes of my best friend's boyfriend.

James.

"Hey, sorry about that," I grinned, hauling myself up and helping him up.

"No problem. Just wanted to say hi since Kendall's in his therapy and Logan is in his group therapy session."

I waved my hand. "Well, hi."

He rolled his eyes. "I mean hi as in become a better friend because we might as well since your best friends with Kendall and I'm best friends with Logan."

I saw his point. "Ok. What do you want to know?"

"I've heard from Logan that you like hockey?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Yeah. I love hockey. I used to play for my high school team."

He smiled. "I did, too. As did Logan and Kendall."

I was taken aback. Logan had played hockey?

"And a little birdie told me you like the Minnesota Wild," he smirked.

I gasped. "Yes! I love them!"

He laughed. "Good, because that means the four of us love them."

"You know," I sighed, looking down. "You're a really good guy when you're not all depressed."

I saw his face darken. "I know."

"I didn't mean for that to offend you or make you angry or sad. Just, it was an observation."

I saw him nod. "It's fine, Carlos."

I sighed. "Help me find where _Where the Red Fern Grows_ goes? I have no idea where R560-RAW is and you seem to know where everything is in the library."

He cracked a small smile and took the book. "Sure."

I stared at his retreating form, wondering if I had said anything wrong.

**~*Linebreak*~**

I know Carlos hadn't meant anything of it, but God why did it hurt so much?

_You're a really good guy when you're not all depressed._

So I'm a shitty person when I feel like shit?

I thought I was an introverted bad ass-

Ahhh, I see what he means.

Ok. Still. I do take slight offense to that.

At least Kendall saw through that all and got the real, old me back.

I couldn't be more thankful for him. It's like the big guy upstairs finally heard my pleas a few months late and helped me find a remedy.

I sank to the floor in the same isle as _Where the Red Fern Grows_, running a hand through my hair and staring ahead. Why was I in such a daze? It was like I couldn't focus today.

Not since a few nights ago.

With Kendall.

And his dick.

I smiled as I touched my lips.

After that night, the days afterward were filled with cute couple-y things and the nights filled with spooning, snuggling, and make outs.

God, that kid was hot.

I sighed and stood up again, knowing I should probably get back to the dorm and get ready to go to afternoon classes.

Where I'll see Kendall.

And be able to shove him against a wall and grind our hips together and get him to moan my name as if it was the dirtiest word out there-

Damn, now I'm getting hard.

Willing my erection away, I walked casually towards the dorm and smiled as I saw Kendall inside.

Maybe I could make my fantasy come true.

"James," he whispered, his voice cracking.

Or maybe not.

He turned towards me, eyes filled with tears. "What's wrong?" I asked, going to kneel in front of where he was sitting on the bed.

"I-I…"

I stroked his face. "Kendall. Please, tell me."

"The voices came back today."

I sucked in a taut breath. No.

"They…they were really mean, Jay. Like, _'You're a fucking failure'_ mean."

I pulled him into a hug, stroking his hair. "It's ok, Kendall. They're going to go away like my depression will, ok?"

"How do you know?" he yelled, pushing me away with even more tears making a trek down his face. "You haven't dealt with these as long as I have!"

"How long were they gone until they came back today?"

"Weeks."

"Exactly. I just got to keep doing what I've been doing, and same goes for you, Ken. Then we'll get you out of here."

"What about you?"

"Me too."

"You don't seem sure."

"I am. We're getting out of here together. Ok?"

He smiled, wiping his eyes. "Ok."

Sitting beside him on the bed, I pulled him close. "Kendall?"

"Yeah?" he whispered, snuggling into my side.

"What did the voices really say?"

He shut his eyes tightly. "'_James is going to leave you. Just wait and see._'"

I exhaled heavily before turning him so he was facing me. I brushed away his tears again and tilted his chin up so his lips could meet mine. Pulling back, I spoke softly. "I guess now would be the opportune time to tell you this then." I sighed. "Kendall, ever since I got you out of Level Three and you forgave me for all the shit I put you through, I knew. I realized that I didn't like you. I don't like you.

"I love you."

I saw his eyes widen.

"As in I would never think of leaving you because it would hurt too much. And the mere thought of you leaving me just makes me want to cut again."

I felt his hand brush my cheek, before he placed his lips on mine. Mumbling against my lips, he whispered "I love you, too, James. I will never leave you."

Pulling away, I hugged him close to me. "I never knew that I would find my soul mate in this hell hole."

Kendall laughed, pushing me so I was lying on my back and he was lying on top of me. "I felt inkling in my head that there was something here. Something important."

He kissed my forehead, my nose, my eyelids, my jaw, and my lips before pulling back and breathing out, "You."

I buried my hand in his hair and pushed his lips to mine, my other hand going to his hip. His hands immediately gripped my shoulders, his tongue diving into my mouth. I let him map out all my sensitive spots before taking over, even if I was on the bottom, and stroking his tongue with mine.

I heard the dorm room door break open, and I felt Kendall jump off me and somehow be standing on the side of the bed rubbing his neck, not really doing much to hide his boner.

I glanced at the doorway and saw Logan, and smiled and waved before he burst out laughing.

"What?" Kendall spoke, seemingly offended a little at Logan's outburst.

"You two…all flustered…holy shit…" Logan managed to get out before calming down enough to form coherent sentences. "I'm assuming you guys are skipping classes today?"

I looked at Kendall, who gave me the silent nod before turning back to Logan and confirming his assumption.

"Oh good, because I wanted to discuss something with you guys."

"Like what?" Kendall spoke, sitting down on the bed next to me.

"Um, how you guys are still in Level Two when you need to get down to Level One so we can all leave this Popsicle stand and get, you know, lives."

"Oh." Kendall muttered cutely. I bit back a groan. Kendall made sounds like that when I-

Stopping myself from thinking any further, I chuckled a little bit, and forced myself to not kiss his dimples because Logan was there, before turning back to the cock block himself.

"With some convincing, since you guys are both pretty clean and neutral, I think I can get you down to Level One. And after that, it's just being sent to the principal's and getting sent home."

I sighed. "I know that. But…what about us? We only met Kendall and Carlos because they were sent here."

Logan sighed, looking at Kendall. "We'll just have to meet up a lot."

Kendall nodded, then his face seemed to brighten. "I just remembered. My mom and sister are coming for a visit this week."

Logan stared at Kendall.

"I want you, James, and Carlos to meet her!"

"Oh. Ok. That sounds cool."

"What?" I spoke, hating how my voice shook.

"Meet her. James, she's going to love you."

"How do you know? What if-"

"I'm going to go find Carlos now and let you guys finish." Logan said, walking out of the room and shutting the door.

"James, calm down please."

"I am calm! Just…does she even know that we're dating?"

"No." he whispered.

I sat down heavily. "I'm just scared she won't like me."

"She's going to love you, James. My mom and I are a lot alike."

I smiled. "Good. I'll just have to use the James Diamond charm."

"No, just be yourself, James. That's the guy I fell in love with, so it's the guy she'll love."

I leaned over and pecked his cheek. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He smiled.

**A/N:**** Ahhh! It's actually a decent length of a chapter! I'm writing this in the dark, lol. I'm in my room on my laptop! Well, my friend read my story and fell in love with it (surprised me considering she doesn't read this type of stuff) but I love her for being open minded and actually reading it! Thanks! And I hoped you liked this chapter. This had to be one of my favorites. They finally confessed their love! And next chapter the guys will meet Kendall's mom and sis! And it'll be an important moment for James and Kendall! They get to…uh…come out to Mama Knight. I guess. And then Katie's gonna be there all awkward or something. XD well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Review please?**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N:**** Well, it's been a hard what…month? I don't even know anymore. My mom had to get surgery, and that's been hard on the family, and then my dad is home to help around and they're fighting a lot, and then I caught my mom smoking while my dad went out to buy beer…so I'm overly stressed and just…I wish I had like a relative that lived here so I could live with them the rest of break. Hmm. Well, sorry for the late update. Hopefully I'll get out something good **

**Psst…I redid this…it's a little better now XD I think :D**

Chapter 21

Why was I so scared for this to happen?

I mean, my mom needs to meet my friends (who happen to be a couple) and my boyfriend.

Just thinking the word made me smile.

I don't even know if she knows I'm gay.

Well, am I gay? I could be bi.

No, James was bi.

I think I'm gay.

Whatever. That doesn't matter. I have James. That's all that does matter.

…I wonder how Katie will react.

I mean, they were coming at 1, and that was in five minutes, so…

Holy shit! I have to round up the rest of the group!

Bursting into Carlos' and Logan's dorm, I looked around to find them sitting on the bed talking. They looked up when they saw me, and stopped their conversation. I spoke up. "My mom's coming in 5 minutes."

"So?" Carlos asked.

"I kind of wanted you guys to meet her." I muttered, rubbing my neck. Carlos smiled, hopping off the bed and dragging Logan behind him as they followed me to the stairs.

"Um…" I mumbled, taking out my phone and texting James to meet us there. Looking up at the others, I bit my lip. "Will you guys, like, leave half way through?"

That didn't come out as I thought it would.

"Like, so James and I can talk to my mom…about…you know…"

Logan nodded. "Sure. No problem."

I smiled, seeing James wave over to me as we walked to the main building. "Thanks."

Logan rolled his eyes as he grabbed Carlos' hand. I felt James' arm sling itself around my shoulders. "They're going to leave halfway through so we can talk to my mom alone."

"Ok," he gave a nervous smile.

I smiled at him. "Don't be nervous, James."

He shook his head. "No matter what you tell me, I'm going to be nervous."

I laughed, entering the visiting area and squeezed his hand. "It'll be fine."

He replied with a smile that quickly lost its shine when he saw my mom and Katie sitting on one of the couches opposite from an empty couch. He let go of my hand right before they saw us, yet continued to stand by me as I walked over.

"Mom!" I exclaimed, running up to her to give her a hug. I gave Katie a hug before turning towards my friends. "These are my friends, Carlos, Logan, and James."

My mom smiled, shaking each of their hands as they sat down on the couch, me on the end right next to James. "It's nice to meet all of you."

The rest of the session consisted of the six of us talking, including Katie, who seemed to get along well with Logan. At about 1:30, Logan and Carlos made their departure saying that they had to go help in the library since it was their volunteer day.

Which left my mom and sister and me and James, the latter of the four shaking like a leaf.

I squeezed his knee, hopefully not being too obvious as Carlos and Logan said their goodbyes, and whispered into his ear, "It's ok."

He nodded, smiling shyly. This was a new side of him, and quite honestly I thought it was the cutest thing ever.

I cleared my throat as the shorter boys left the area. "Um…Mom?"

"Those boys are so polite. I'm glad you're making such great friends."

"I know. But, I…uh…I have a confession."

"What do you mean?"

"I need to tell you something. Something important."

"Go on," she spoke, looking worried.

Should I just say I'm gay?

Or should I just say James is my boyfriend?

Oh my God.

James gripped my hand, giving it a light squeeze as he scooted closer so our thighs were touching.

"I'm dating James."

Her eyebrows shot up. I don't think she was expecting that.

Katie smiled, though. "I knew you were gay," she laughed. Then she turned to James. "Hurt him and I hurt you, got it?"

He nodded, letting out a small exhale of relief. Then he turned to my mom, who had yet to make a comment.

"Mom…can you at least say something?"

"I'm…I'm happy for you. You two seem, uh, very content with each other." She smiled, even though it was strained. "It'll take some getting used to, though. But, I think it's best we get going. Bye Kendall. James." She nodded and forced a smile, before walking out.

Katie sighed and scowled. "I'm sorry, Kendall. She turned to the church and religion when you left, and they've been spewing out the crap about homosexuality is bad and what not. I usually stay home because I don't really like it being shoved down my throat. But she needed something to do and I guess that was her first choice." She shrugged and smiled. "She'll get over it. But I'm happy for you. James is a good kid, Kendall. You have my blessing." She laughed. "I'm sorry about her, again. She'll accept you no matter what, you just have to give her space, you know?"

She got up and hugged me, then turned to James and wrapped her arms around him. It was so uncharacteristic of her that even he seemed startled. He patted her back awkwardly before pulling away. "You're going to be a part of the family, so might as well start with the hugs now."

He laughed and waved as she followed after my mom.

He turned around to face me again, worrying at his lip. "Kendall…"

I wrapped my arms around his waist, letting him burry his head in my shoulder. "It's ok. You heard what Katie said. And Katie is always right."

"She's ten."

"She's like 38 on the inside."

He smiled, pulling back and kissing me. "You're so weird. I love it."

"I love you."

"Love you, too."

I pulled back from him, turning towards Carlos who had cleared his throat for our attention.

"The principal wants to see you two."

I saw James bite his lip. "Shit. He still hates me."

I rolled my eyes and gripped his hand, following Carlos to the main office. "Doesn't matter." I opened the door and sat down on one of the chairs, James plopping down in the one next to mine.

"Mr. Knight and Mr. Diamond. Nice to see you again," he scowled. "I'm informing you that both of you have been making enough progress that you both have been moved to Level One. You are dismissed." James sat there as I stood up. "Didn't you hear me, Mr. Diamond? Dismissed!"

Jumping out of his seat, I dragged James out of the office. Once outside in the lobby area, I hugged him tight. "We're Level One! Oh my God!" I laughed.

He stood stock still. "I've never been a Level One before."

I cupped his face so he was staring straight into my eyes. "I'm so proud of how far you've come, James. I don't think anyone is more proud of you than me."

He finally cracked a smile, tears gathering in his eyes. "Really?"

I nodded, tears in my own eyes. "Really."

He just gripped me hard and buried his head in my neck.

**A/N: **** I really liked this! You see, I didn't want Mrs. Knight to be like accepting right away since a lot of people do that yet I didn't want her to be like totally against it since Kendall thought she was going to be accepting. So I had her somewhere in-between where she turned to the church for support when Kendall left. And Katie was a little OOC, but she's just trying hard to act nicer and more accepting to Kendall. I hoped you liked it!**

**Thank you to everyone who sent their best of wishes to me. I greatly appreciate it! :)**

**Review please?**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N:**** So hi there. Look at me finally updating this. I don't think there will be many more chapters for this story. :/ Sorry about that. I will do an epilogue but that's it on how this story will kind of continue on. I hate saying it. Cuz, like, I'm so busy I never have time to write and I hate it! I want to be able to put a ton of effort into my stories and make them as amazing as possible. But this is what I can do today:**

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><p><em>Chapter 22<em>

School was boring today. I mean, it always was, but like today we learned nothing. And James was always fidgety. Like he couldn't stop moving or something would happen.

That's what really worries me about him sometimes.

Ever since we were moved to Level One, it's like he never stops moving. He's always scratching his wrists or patting his knees or playing with his hair.

I guess that's what you call withdrawal for a cutter.

It's amazing how much he's trying to get better. It makes me proud to be his boyfriend.

"Kendall!"

I picked up the pace to the room I shared with James. I walked in to see him shaking on the bed.

"Kendall…" he was scratching at his arms. "It's there again…"

I immediately scrambled onto the bed and sat myself beside him. I brought him into my arms and whispered "It's ok, James. He's not real. He's not here anymore."

I paused. "What's he saying?"

James shudderd. "I'm lonely. I need to kill myself so both he and I are not lonely. But I'm not lonely, and he's only my dad's voice, and he keeps telling me…telling me things…"  
>"Shh…it's ok, James."<p>

"How's it ok? It's never—"

"You're fine, now. We're fine."

As his shaking slowly died down, I put him to bed and sat beside him till he fell asleep.

He gets like this every once in a while. But these episodes are becoming fewer and farther in-between. Which means he's slowly becoming better.

I'm just not sure where we'll be going after this.

I'm sure he can file for emancipation, and I can try too, but it's not he can go back home. And I'm not sure I want to go back home, either.

My mom doesn't accept me. So how can I?

I know Logan wants to leave and head off to college immediately, and Carlos is done living at home, but there's not much else to go by. Maybe Carlos has some relative who could let us live with them until we're all 18?

And jobs. Who would take some crazy kids in to their workforce? I want to play hockey. Logan wants to be a doctor. James wants a musical career. Carlos wants to do something to make a difference.

No one would let us do those things with our pasts!

Logan and Carlos choose then to interrupt my thoughts and walk into my room.

"Hey, guys."

"Hey."

I wake James up and turn towards the others.

"Have you been thinking about what we think you have, Kendall?"

I looked down. "It's true though."

"What is?" James asked.

"Where are we going to go after all this? I mean, look at us. We're not going back home, and we're all getting better."

Carlos sighed. "I have an aunt who might take us in. Her name's Kelly."

"Yeah?"

Carlos nodded. "She could even try to hook us up with some jobs."

James looked up. "What do you mean?"

"Well, like she works for Gustavo Roque—"

"The Gustavo Roque?" James' eyes were wide.

Carlos nodded.

Logan spoke. "And if we can all sing, we would have a chance with him."

"And we would be able to live on our own and still be together." I concluded.

"That's not a horrible idea." James said.

"Well, Carlos would need to contact her now since we're still in here but we're on our way to getting out. You know?" Logan inquired.

I nodded. "Yah. Can you do that, Carlos?"

He nodded. "Come on, Logan! Let's go!"

Logan waved as he was pulled out of the room.

I turned to James, a smile breaking on my face. "Can you believe this? We have a chance at having great lives after leaving this place."

James smiled, but soon frowned. "What if that changes everything, though? What if you see how wrong you are for being with me and like Carlos and Logan—"

"Shut up, James. That's never going to happen. I'm never going to leave you." I place a kiss on his head. "Ok?"

He nodded. "Ok."

"Good. Now let's go get some dinner, ok?"

"Yeah. I'm starving."

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><p><strong>AN:**** Don't you love how crappy this was? I'm so sorry. Ugh. I tried. And sorry about tenses. I just wanted to get this out. Bleh. It sucks. And I'll be ending this I think at 24 chapters. :/ sad day. Well, thank you for reading! Would it be bad to ask for reviews? Yes? Ok. I'm sorry for being such a cfrappy writer!**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N:**** Hi there! Look who's on summer break! This girl! Ok, I hate saying this, but I've lost touch with my inner Kames fangirl. It's still there! Don't worry. I've just gotten way more obsessed with Supernatural (Destiel) and the Avengers (Steve/Tony forever!). Nothing too big you know. Well, here goes nothing. I think this will be the last chapter. Or at least the second to last one. sad day. But thank you so much for over 400 reviews! **

Chapter twenty-three:

James looked out the window of our room, smiling softly at the children and teens playing around the pool with their parents sitting on the edges. I went up to him, snaking my arms around his waist and giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Hey."

James turned to look at me. "Hey."

"What were you thinking about?"

He looked down and spoke softly, "Our adventurous tale of getting to where we are."

James didn't cut anymore; instead he came to me with the nightmares and freak outs. In turn, I came to him with my own. Carlos was doing just fine doting on Logan, who's been sober for a year. Carlos' friend, Kelly, had graciously gotten us hired by the infamous Gustavo Roque. We would be a boy band (sounds so gay just saying it…but it's not.) and live in the Palm Woods (a set of apartments in LA for rising stars). Here, we encounted Camille and Jet, who had been released before us and were now getting into acting. Jo, unfortunately, was still at the center, but when she left she was likely to come here, as well.

My mom's gotten over her homophobia, mostly, and just gently asked for little PDA in the apartment. She moved in after about a month with Katie. James' parents almost don't exist, except for when one of us catches James staring forlornly at the picture of him and his family in the desk drawer. Carlos talks to his parents, but right now, they're too poor to come out and live in California. Carlos is fine with this, and uses some of the singing money to visit them every once in a while. Logan doesn't really talk to his family, anymore. I think they cut him out of their live, and I think they did it when Logan left. At least, that's what James told me.

We've all agreed to keep our pasts a secret. We're just going to pretend we're the hockey boys from Minnesota who had moderately stable lives and are happy.

When you walk into our apartment, you can sometimes James banging on his piano (not really banging when you hear how awesome his music sounds), me playing my guitar, Carlos dancing and playing video games, or Logan mumbling to himself about physics or fighting with Carlos.

We've overcome this obstacle in our lives, and we'll overcome the rest, too. We're 18 now, and we're going to move on like the world always does. And no more going to psych hospitals and facilities.

Because, as long as we're anywhere but there, it'll be fine.

**A/N:**** And that's it. I'm sorry to finish it like this. I've been crap at updating and now this is a crappy ending. Well it's a good epilogue but its short and like out of nowhere. Please, shoot me. I open myself to shooting. So, I apologize profusely for my actions taken with this story! Please find it in your hearts to forgive me? And review? **


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